Hi team.
I know it's been ages and I'm sorry. I fell into a black hole called Christmas Holidays. I know it sounds like a happy place, but for me it's unfortunately not really such a cheerful time. And though I know this is my blog and I can write on it what I want, I hesitated a long time before deciding it's ok to be sad at christmas time, and to tell people about it.
The holidays are usually a very hard time for me, as the people here in Australia who keep me sane, love me, and make me feel appreciated and wanted, go on holidays and dedicate time to their very deserving families. My gym classes are reduced, my favourite cafes are closed.
The focus of that time of year is on spending time with your family - the ads on television, the films on tv, and even the silly tv series I watch. It makes me miss my own family more than any other time of year. Suddenly The Netherlands seems so very far away, and Skype just doesn't cut it. I miss my own family's christmas traditions, which is a vast, vast world away from what I do now at Christmas time.
I do have a wonderful husband with a very nice family, but I have to admit they do things differently. For a girl who grew up with a mother who is a communication expert, whom I could talke about anything to, and who never passes an opportunity to express her enjoyment of any moment that might occur, it is difficult to now spend my holidays with a family who does none of those things.
I have always been encouraged to express myself freely. I have been given the skills to say what I feel, and why and how and what and where and who did what and why. I intimately know the language of feelings, know the nuance between melancholy and wistfulness. I know my own feelings very well. And I know that I have inherited my mother's cheer and optimism, but that sometimes the passive pessimism I inherited from my father just hijacks me and tries to smother my happiness with the heavy, wet pillow of depression. And though my husband knows I get this way, and he wants to support me, he just doesn't know how, doesn't have the words I need, and he struggles with my struggles. Luckily we always end up finding each other's love and I know that that's the rope to clutch onto to pull me out. I might lose all faith in lots of things, but my husband's love for me is something I do not doubt.
I don't get to see the kids I look after for a while, because the parents are there to look after them themselves. I love that my kids have this time with their parents, but I miss the small bundles of love that they tuck into my heart and help me feel good about myself. Causing a kid's joy is so rewarding. I just saw my three little girls (six year-old twins and a four year-old sister, who I have looked after for six years) and their happiness at seeing me just boosted me completely. They couldn't stop talking, showing me things, asking me questions and and wanting to impress me. I took the opportunity to reiterate that I love them, that I am their friend for life and that even if we don't see each other for a while, I will always be just around the corner. That I love them to the moon and back. They whisper into to my ear that they love me to the end of the universe and back. Black hole suddenly filled with love.
So now, the new year has well and truly started, I have my bounce back. I have caught up with my much-missed friends, I get to see 'my' kids and I have many new and exciting ventures lined up. I was in a Flash Mob yesterday! And I plan to be in many more. My hubby and I are about to go to the Yarra Valley this weekend for an Italian cooking course (my christmas present to my husband). Next week I am starting a short course at the CAE to learn how to make leather handbags (for those of you who don't know, I make handbags and nappy bags, until now out of fabric but I look forward to making stronger bags). I started a book club with one of my friends. There's going to be an extra dance class at my gym. My husband bought me tickets for christmas to see Cirque de Soleil next month. Valentine's Day is coming up. Our four-year wedding anniversary is coming up. I am planning my annual trip to Holland for June to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday, and to see my dear, dear friends and family there.
I am yet to hear back whether my application for citizenship has been accepted, which in turn means I still don't know if I get to start Uni in July, because only Australian Citizens get FEE-HELP (previously known as HECS) and I cannot afford to pay for my course full fee up front...
But that's ok. We'll see how it all works out. I am ok again and life is back to normal. And luckily my normal is pretty damn awesome.
I know it's been ages and I'm sorry. I fell into a black hole called Christmas Holidays. I know it sounds like a happy place, but for me it's unfortunately not really such a cheerful time. And though I know this is my blog and I can write on it what I want, I hesitated a long time before deciding it's ok to be sad at christmas time, and to tell people about it.
The holidays are usually a very hard time for me, as the people here in Australia who keep me sane, love me, and make me feel appreciated and wanted, go on holidays and dedicate time to their very deserving families. My gym classes are reduced, my favourite cafes are closed.
The focus of that time of year is on spending time with your family - the ads on television, the films on tv, and even the silly tv series I watch. It makes me miss my own family more than any other time of year. Suddenly The Netherlands seems so very far away, and Skype just doesn't cut it. I miss my own family's christmas traditions, which is a vast, vast world away from what I do now at Christmas time.
I do have a wonderful husband with a very nice family, but I have to admit they do things differently. For a girl who grew up with a mother who is a communication expert, whom I could talke about anything to, and who never passes an opportunity to express her enjoyment of any moment that might occur, it is difficult to now spend my holidays with a family who does none of those things.
I have always been encouraged to express myself freely. I have been given the skills to say what I feel, and why and how and what and where and who did what and why. I intimately know the language of feelings, know the nuance between melancholy and wistfulness. I know my own feelings very well. And I know that I have inherited my mother's cheer and optimism, but that sometimes the passive pessimism I inherited from my father just hijacks me and tries to smother my happiness with the heavy, wet pillow of depression. And though my husband knows I get this way, and he wants to support me, he just doesn't know how, doesn't have the words I need, and he struggles with my struggles. Luckily we always end up finding each other's love and I know that that's the rope to clutch onto to pull me out. I might lose all faith in lots of things, but my husband's love for me is something I do not doubt.
I don't get to see the kids I look after for a while, because the parents are there to look after them themselves. I love that my kids have this time with their parents, but I miss the small bundles of love that they tuck into my heart and help me feel good about myself. Causing a kid's joy is so rewarding. I just saw my three little girls (six year-old twins and a four year-old sister, who I have looked after for six years) and their happiness at seeing me just boosted me completely. They couldn't stop talking, showing me things, asking me questions and and wanting to impress me. I took the opportunity to reiterate that I love them, that I am their friend for life and that even if we don't see each other for a while, I will always be just around the corner. That I love them to the moon and back. They whisper into to my ear that they love me to the end of the universe and back. Black hole suddenly filled with love.
So now, the new year has well and truly started, I have my bounce back. I have caught up with my much-missed friends, I get to see 'my' kids and I have many new and exciting ventures lined up. I was in a Flash Mob yesterday! And I plan to be in many more. My hubby and I are about to go to the Yarra Valley this weekend for an Italian cooking course (my christmas present to my husband). Next week I am starting a short course at the CAE to learn how to make leather handbags (for those of you who don't know, I make handbags and nappy bags, until now out of fabric but I look forward to making stronger bags). I started a book club with one of my friends. There's going to be an extra dance class at my gym. My husband bought me tickets for christmas to see Cirque de Soleil next month. Valentine's Day is coming up. Our four-year wedding anniversary is coming up. I am planning my annual trip to Holland for June to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday, and to see my dear, dear friends and family there.
I am yet to hear back whether my application for citizenship has been accepted, which in turn means I still don't know if I get to start Uni in July, because only Australian Citizens get FEE-HELP (previously known as HECS) and I cannot afford to pay for my course full fee up front...
But that's ok. We'll see how it all works out. I am ok again and life is back to normal. And luckily my normal is pretty damn awesome.
