Celebrations

Hi team. Sorry for the long silence. I've been on a journey of sorts. First I dipped into the snotty valley of the flu, after which I had to rally to gather physical and mental health to celebrate my birthday the way I like: with friends, food, presents and all the trimmings. We also indulged in a bit of cultural enlightenment during Melbourne Festival by seeing four different shows. Then I traveled to the land of written fiction where I do like to get lots and linger. Then I had an espresso disaster to deal with, which I am pleased to say has now been resolved.

I have also been very active around the house, as I had decided on a party at home, but our house in its perpetual state of renovation was not to my exacting standards (read: it was a very dusty building site with planks and tools in nearly every room of the house). I finished renovating a lovely wooden glass cabinet I was given, which was a hideous colour aqua in a textured paint and was an absolute nightmare to sand. I did said work on our verandah where most other outdoor building work took place during winter and most of spring.
But as the weather turned lovely, finally, I decided to reclaim my verandah and have my birthday party on it, and so had a lot of work to do to get it ready. I bought a whole lot of outdoor furniture from Ikea, which meant I spent a few days assembling said furniture. But the result is very pleasant.

I am on my verandah now, having just finished a coffee and breakfast , the wind gusty, the sun gaining strength on its way of heating us to the temperature of 34 degrees Celcius today. I have done the washing yesterday, and the hot, windy conditions are perfect for drying the washing in no time. I call this "tumble dryer weather".

Let me tell you, I am immensely happy right now. I love my 'new' verandah. I spend every moment I can here since it's been finished and if the weather is warm enough. Because a Melbourne spring is likely to leave you hot and bothered one day and shivering the next.

I am so happy with my life right now. I am enjoying my job, though a few more hours of work would be very welcome, I am indulging in the fact I have a lot of spare time to finish renovating cabinets, to do spring cleaning, to grow herbs, to read, to go to the gym, to cook and clean at leisure and be a perfect contented little house wife. I am not normally a contented house wife, in fact, the very words 'house' and 'wife' together make me think of being a slave to chores and picking up after messy husbands and children. But not right now. Right now I breeze through unpacking and packing the dishwasher, I sing while vacuuming and I have even taken on my husband's one chore in the house: emptying the rubbish bins. To be honest he doesn't quite do it to my high standards anyway, he nearly always forgets to put clean bin bags back in the bins, so when I have a handful of dirty something I want to get rid of, I open a bin and realise I cannot dispose of my rubbish before a bag has been put in the bin. Drives me nuts. I also like to clean the bins with a paper towel with eucalyptus oil before putting a new bag in, and then dropping the paper towel in the empty bag so the bins smell all fresh of eucalyptus.Yes, I know it's a bit much, but I hate stinky bins.

Anyway. I am just celebrating my freedom while I have it. I am savouring the days of unstructured jobs around the house, mixed with a bit of reading and work. I have time to put my life in perspective, to ponder the world, my choices, my dreams and hopes and to be honest, I don't have much more I would ask for.

I had a great birthday. I love birthdays. What's not to love? Being lavished with attention, eating cake, receiving presents, meeting with friends and enjoying food. Birthdays have been a great source of joy in my life for as long as I can remember. Birthdays in my native Netherlands are definitely bigger deals than here in Australia. I remember as a child that the house would be decorated with garlands and ribbons, my chair at the dining table too, and my mother would put flowers around my plate, choose what was for dinner and get spoiled in every way possible. And I got lots of presents.
I have friends here who are not 'into' birthdays and even dread theirs. That makes me sad. Why would you pass up on an opportunity to celebrate being alive? My in-laws are not so very big on birthdays either. My mother-in-law does not give me a present for my birthday, but she does take me out for lunch. Me, I would do both. Presents AND lunch. And I would add cake to the mix, too.
However, she doesn't get the idea of presents. My husband and I used to spoil her with nice things for the first few years we were together, until I noticed she did not use the lovely 1000 thread egyptian cotton sheets we bought her one birthday and preferred to use her poly blend sheets from Target because they were 'still good'.  They were in her linnen cupboard, in their original packaging, for a good five years. So I reclaimed them earlier this year. We now enjoy those sheets on our own bed.

I enjoy my presents. I enjoy giving them, I adore receiving them. I have some good present givers around me. My husband has become a fantastic present giver. He makes a little show of it. Sometimes I have to go on a bit of a treasure hunt, or he makes it into a quirky scene involving some of the characters in our life. I love that. I enjoy remembering the person who bought me the gifts when I use/wear/see those items for the rest of my life. I have so many treasured objects in my house because they were gifts from treasured friends and family. My mother, in her wealthy days, was an indulgent present giver (she still wants to be, but she can't), and my life is peppered with items she got me, and I love them.

I love to celebrate. And in my opinion the Dutch are better at it in ways than the Aussies. The Dutch have a lot of celebratory traditions. The Queen's birthday, for example, is huge. The whole friggin' country turns orange, we get the day off, and everyone is out celebrating in orange outfits. There are orange cakes, drinks, beer, bread toppings, you name it, they turn it orange just for this one day. It is an event people prepare for and anticipate with excitement. In Australia the Queen's birthday is just a day off. Find below a small selection of photos we took at this year's Queen's Day celebrations in Amsterdam while we were in the Netherlands. I am the one in orange ; )

Orange bitters at midnight on Queen's night.

Turns out I was the only one Dutch enough to wear orange amongst my sister & her friends....

The canals of Amsterdam are full of revelers in orange 

When a baby is born in the Netherlands, the house is decorated in pink or blue, a big plaque (or several) with the child's name is placed in the front garden or in the window and people go to visit and eat 'beschuit met muisjes' (toasted rusks with aniseeds coated in sugar, white and blue if it's a boy, white and pink if it's a girl).

Then there's Saint Nicholas Day. It's an awesome holiday, a version of Anglo Christmas of sorts, involving lots of presents. But I will write about that in December when it's celebrated. There's also Saint Martin's Day. There's a whole 11 days of carnival in February. Easter and Christmas each get two days of celebration involving lots of food. I'm sure I've forgotten a few other festivities.
I miss the Dutch celebrations. Maybe Aussies don't celebrate as much because Australia is such a melting pot of different cultures. We do get lots of days off here, but people don't necessarily use them to celebrate, just to relax and have a bbq.

I will never pass up an opportunity to celebrate. I love parties, I love being festive, dressing up, and being with friends. Life is one amazing journey and I believe it never hurts to take a moment to think of how far you've come, what you've learnt, how you've grown, and the challenges and fun still ahead. I try and instill this in the kids I look after, too. And they get as excited about birthdays as I do!

I intended to write a bit about my books and my espresso disaster as well, but to be honest, I feel I have written enough for now and want to get back to my book and drink another coffee.  ^_^

When in Rome...or maybe it was Pompeï?

Hi team! Maybe you were wondering where I've been lately, why you've been feverishly checking for new blog for posts and found nothing but sad silence, well, here's why.

All of a sudden I was working a lot of hours, helping out a family where the dad was in hospital, the mum came down with a bad case of the flu and the two year-old twins were also not well, the only one who was ok was the six-year old, who ended up eventually having to go to the dentist because his gums got infected. Yah, everyone was NOT in a good shape. And guess what? I went home for the weekend and...yes came down with the flu myself. Am still recovering and coughing like a heavy smoker as I type this.

I am also a day away from turning 32, and because of sudden work and then my sickness I have so far been unable to send out my birthday invites for my party which is next friday, so I have to get onto that. And I am in a writer's database for a company which needs me to do some sample writing for them before Monday, so I have to get onto that. I also need to do my taxes.

Isn't it annoying that being sick does absolutely nothing for you but steal away your time and energy you would have used to do useful things? Like writing one's blog?

So for now, apologies. I shall be back soon. After my chores. 

Layin' down the law

I touched upon a heavy topic in my last post, but the events of the last week made me think extensively of boundaries. It's amazing how many people felt something very big to the core of their being when they found out Jill went missing, and then, when we found out what had happened to her, it struck this entire city, and it reverberated across the nation and the world. But it has brought us together, yesterday 30.000 people marched along the very street where Jill was taken. Strangers connected by grief. Quite inspiring and heartwarming. I hope that despite the horror of what happened, something will change for the good forever.

Like a lot of people I've spoken to, this event has just been in the back of my head constantly. And the niggling thought of how we can prevent it from happening again. Like I mentioned before, I believe it's in teaching young people about respect and boundaries. It's a giant task, I know.

And as someone who deals with a lot of little people who are only learning about boundaries, I think we can teach people from a very young age that there a laws in our world. Kids will understand this, if you explain it the right way. Laws are here to protect us, although a lot of people think they are here to ruin their fun or limit their options. But without them, we'd be in an awful mess. 

Laws are just a set of rules. And rules are things children are familiar with, and understand. So if we teach children rules from an early age as something normal and useful, we can hope that they will feel the same about laws out in the world when they grow up. Home rules for children are just like laws for adults. Home rules are small scale laws. 

I once interviewed with people who were interested in hiring a nanny for their 18 month-old boy and they told me they didn't use the word 'No' with their child. They would say 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart.' This honestly made my jaw drop. Why wouldn't you introduce your child to a word that they will be hearing more often than most other words, for most of their lives? How would you get the whole sentence 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart' out in time before something goes wrong? No is a normal, good word. It's short and to the point. A baby will understand the word No very quickly. No is not offensive or rude or hurtful. No is fine. Unless it's an answer to a offer, then you would just add the words 'thank you'! 

So, I use the word No in my child rearing duties quite often, but I always explain why. If you explain rules, they are easier to abide by. No to sweets before dinner, because you will ruin your appetite (and probably your teeth, too!). No to playing with dangerous objects, because you might hurt yourself. No to playing with adults' expensive objects (phones, iPads, computers), because they are very precious to us and we've had to save up lots of pocket money to buy them, and because without them, there will be lots of things we cannot do. Like earn said money to buy you sweets and toys. It always helps to put it in a perspective that they can apply to themselves: "If you break my phone, I will have to spend money on buying myself a new phone instead of buying you that bike/Barbie house/Lego set you want for your birthday."

It is important to set rules at a young age, because it is much harder to start saying no to something when they've been allowed to do it for as long as they can remember. Teach babies to stay out of cupboards that hold items that are important to you. Give them a drawer or cupboard that is theirs, which is ok to open and to get into, and teach them that others are 'out of bounds.' Teach toddlers not to help themselves to whatever is in the pantry without asking first. Teach them not to touch the stereo/tv/dvd player without permission. If they have grown up knowing there are certain rules in their lives, it will be much easier for them to understand that rules are everywhere all of the time. 

It is much crueler to let a toddler get into your cupboards for two years ('because they are only little') and then suddenly want them to stop when they are able to take items out and stuff them into the dvd player or down the toilet, than it is to start telling a baby 'No' when they try to get into things. Of course you offer them something else to play with, but that's not trouble. 

Just as it is cruel to let your toddler play with your iPhone all their lives and then realise you need to use it yourself for something actually important, and have to take it from them forcibly with a tantrum to follow, than it is to teach your child from a young age that things like phones are not toys, and that occasions when they are allowed to play with them are special, that it is yours and you need to use it often, explain the difference between 'using' something and 'playing' with something.

None of my children are allowed in my handbag or to handle my phone without permission. That's a rule. And they are all totally cool with that. Just like it is a law in the real world that taking something that is not yours is called 'stealing' and punishable. None of my children are allowed to hit anyone, or call others names or use inappropriate language. In the real world that can be called 'assault' and is also punishable. I explain why, I ask them how they would feel if I hurt them, if I called them 'stupid' or use words that would upset them. I ask them if I ever do those things to them. No, I don't. I tell them that is called 'respect', and is something nice people do. It is something that makes people happy and get along with each other. And all kids like being happy and getting along.

Just because it is your child who is getting into your handbag and getting out your wallet and spreading all your cards in a jumble on the floor and chewing on your banknotes (I have seen it happen many times!) doesn't really make it ok. Just because you know you can take it back from them, you think it's fine. But if you don't teach kids that not everything is theirs, they will get very confused when they encounter something they cannot get into. When they suddenly hear 'no' when all they've experienced is 'yes'. 

This, I think, also applies to respecting other people's personal space and bodies. There is a time when you can start telling toddlers that it is not ok to hurt other people. Toddlers experience pain, and so do other people. You can teach them this. 

You have to be very clear and quite firm in this regard. If a toddler seems to start to revert to physical aggression (hitting, pinching, pulling hair, etc), the moment it happens, step in, take the child away from the situation to somewhere quiet (getting told off in front of others is humiliating, and unnecessary because they are learning how to behave and learning is not something to be ashamed of), kneel down so you're face to face, and tell them that hitting is not ok. You don't have to use the word 'naughty', I am not a fan of it. Just say it is not ok, and that it hurts. Ask them if they ever see you hurt other people when you get upset. No. Teach them other ways to deal with their anger or frustation, like finding an adult to help them sort the situation out or simply walking away. Teach them to count to ten and think of what it is that makes them want to hit. Tell them that after they've calmed down, they can then tell the person they were hitting, what it was that made them want to hit. 

It is always helpful to reflect on situations with children after a bit of time has passed and they have had time to think about what happened. Sit down together at a time when you both/all feel ok, have a bite to eat, sit together, look each other in they eye and talk about it. They might not be able to express themselves very well yet, but they will understand that you can talk calmly about something that has happened which made people upset. If they are not quite able to talk yet, just talk to them yourself in a calm voice. This is the pathway to good communication and feeling heard and understood. To understanding that sometimes you need to contain your feelings, take a moment and get back to that emotion later. That it is ok to get upset, but it is not ok to hurt people. But that later you can express your feelings and have them be heard. 

Please also do this when a child has made you proud, or did something kind or helpful. Take a moment at another time to praise them, to tell them they've made you happy and that you are so proud of them. And take that moment to be proud of yourself for having taught your kids well. Take moments to take a child onto your lap and tell them about certain character traits they might have, or things they do that make you happy. It isn't a hard thing to do and it will only ever encourage children to do it more. 

As always, lead by example. You are what kids see, what you do is what they will do. If you are respectful to them, they will become respectful. And please know there is a difference between 'respecting your child' and 'being a pushover'! I often joke with my friends who are mothers and say 'all mothers are pushovers', which of course is not quite true, but then it's not entirely untrue, is it? 

Yes, picking your battles is important. But so not is letting something become a battle, but just laying down the law and letting that be that. A battle comes from two sides. Laying down the law is you saying what is the rule and not going into discussion. Sometimes it's ok to tell them 'No is no is no, no matter how big a tanty you throw.' (It rhymes, too!) Especially at home, it's fine to let a kid have a tantrum and ignoring them completely. They will not die. They will not hate you (for long). And they will not become traumatised. They will learn quite quickly that throwing a tantrum is hard work and not really worth the trouble if you are not going to change your mind no matter what they do.

So remember who makes the rules. You do. Because rules require respect, and there's nothing more important in society and communities than respect. Amen.