I touched upon a heavy topic in my last post, but the events of the last week made me think extensively of boundaries. It's amazing how many people felt something very big to the core of their being when they found out Jill went missing, and then, when we found out what had happened to her, it struck this entire city, and it reverberated across the nation and the world. But it has brought us together, yesterday 30.000 people marched along the very street where Jill was taken. Strangers connected by grief. Quite inspiring and heartwarming. I hope that despite the horror of what happened, something will change for the good forever.
Like a lot of people I've spoken to, this event has just been in the back of my head constantly. And the niggling thought of how we can prevent it from happening again. Like I mentioned before, I believe it's in teaching young people about respect and boundaries. It's a giant task, I know.
And as someone who deals with a lot of little people who are only learning about boundaries, I think we can teach people from a very young age that there a laws in our world. Kids will understand this, if you explain it the right way. Laws are here to protect us, although a lot of people think they are here to ruin their fun or limit their options. But without them, we'd be in an awful mess.
Laws are just a set of rules. And rules are things children are familiar with, and understand. So if we teach children rules from an early age as something normal and useful, we can hope that they will feel the same about laws out in the world when they grow up. Home rules for children are just like laws for adults. Home rules are small scale laws.
I once interviewed with people who were interested in hiring a nanny for their 18 month-old boy and they told me they didn't use the word 'No' with their child. They would say 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart.' This honestly made my jaw drop. Why wouldn't you introduce your child to a word that they will be hearing more often than most other words, for most of their lives? How would you get the whole sentence 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart' out in time before something goes wrong? No is a normal, good word. It's short and to the point. A baby will understand the word No very quickly. No is not offensive or rude or hurtful. No is fine. Unless it's an answer to a offer, then you would just add the words 'thank you'!
So, I use the word No in my child rearing duties quite often, but I always explain why. If you explain rules, they are easier to abide by. No to sweets before dinner, because you will ruin your appetite (and probably your teeth, too!). No to playing with dangerous objects, because you might hurt yourself. No to playing with adults' expensive objects (phones, iPads, computers), because they are very precious to us and we've had to save up lots of pocket money to buy them, and because without them, there will be lots of things we cannot do. Like earn said money to buy you sweets and toys. It always helps to put it in a perspective that they can apply to themselves: "If you break my phone, I will have to spend money on buying myself a new phone instead of buying you that bike/Barbie house/Lego set you want for your birthday."
It is important to set rules at a young age, because it is much harder to start saying no to something when they've been allowed to do it for as long as they can remember. Teach babies to stay out of cupboards that hold items that are important to you. Give them a drawer or cupboard that is theirs, which is ok to open and to get into, and teach them that others are 'out of bounds.' Teach toddlers not to help themselves to whatever is in the pantry without asking first. Teach them not to touch the stereo/tv/dvd player without permission. If they have grown up knowing there are certain rules in their lives, it will be much easier for them to understand that rules are everywhere all of the time.
It is much crueler to let a toddler get into your cupboards for two years ('because they are only little') and then suddenly want them to stop when they are able to take items out and stuff them into the dvd player or down the toilet, than it is to start telling a baby 'No' when they try to get into things. Of course you offer them something else to play with, but that's not trouble.
Just as it is cruel to let your toddler play with your iPhone all their lives and then realise you need to use it yourself for something actually important, and have to take it from them forcibly with a tantrum to follow, than it is to teach your child from a young age that things like phones are not toys, and that occasions when they are allowed to play with them are special, that it is yours and you need to use it often, explain the difference between 'using' something and 'playing' with something.
None of my children are allowed in my handbag or to handle my phone without permission. That's a rule. And they are all totally cool with that. Just like it is a law in the real world that taking something that is not yours is called 'stealing' and punishable. None of my children are allowed to hit anyone, or call others names or use inappropriate language. In the real world that can be called 'assault' and is also punishable. I explain why, I ask them how they would feel if I hurt them, if I called them 'stupid' or use words that would upset them. I ask them if I ever do those things to them. No, I don't. I tell them that is called 'respect', and is something nice people do. It is something that makes people happy and get along with each other. And all kids like being happy and getting along.
Just because it is your child who is getting into your handbag and getting out your wallet and spreading all your cards in a jumble on the floor and chewing on your banknotes (I have seen it happen many times!) doesn't really make it ok. Just because you know you can take it back from them, you think it's fine. But if you don't teach kids that not everything is theirs, they will get very confused when they encounter something they cannot get into. When they suddenly hear 'no' when all they've experienced is 'yes'.
This, I think, also applies to respecting other people's personal space and bodies. There is a time when you can start telling toddlers that it is not ok to hurt other people. Toddlers experience pain, and so do other people. You can teach them this.
You have to be very clear and quite firm in this regard. If a toddler seems to start to revert to physical aggression (hitting, pinching, pulling hair, etc), the moment it happens, step in, take the child away from the situation to somewhere quiet (getting told off in front of others is humiliating, and unnecessary because they are learning how to behave and learning is not something to be ashamed of), kneel down so you're face to face, and tell them that hitting is not ok. You don't have to use the word 'naughty', I am not a fan of it. Just say it is not ok, and that it hurts. Ask them if they ever see you hurt other people when you get upset. No. Teach them other ways to deal with their anger or frustation, like finding an adult to help them sort the situation out or simply walking away. Teach them to count to ten and think of what it is that makes them want to hit. Tell them that after they've calmed down, they can then tell the person they were hitting, what it was that made them want to hit.
It is always helpful to reflect on situations with children after a bit of time has passed and they have had time to think about what happened. Sit down together at a time when you both/all feel ok, have a bite to eat, sit together, look each other in they eye and talk about it. They might not be able to express themselves very well yet, but they will understand that you can talk calmly about something that has happened which made people upset. If they are not quite able to talk yet, just talk to them yourself in a calm voice. This is the pathway to good communication and feeling heard and understood. To understanding that sometimes you need to contain your feelings, take a moment and get back to that emotion later. That it is ok to get upset, but it is not ok to hurt people. But that later you can express your feelings and have them be heard.
Please also do this when a child has made you proud, or did something kind or helpful. Take a moment at another time to praise them, to tell them they've made you happy and that you are so proud of them. And take that moment to be proud of yourself for having taught your kids well. Take moments to take a child onto your lap and tell them about certain character traits they might have, or things they do that make you happy. It isn't a hard thing to do and it will only ever encourage children to do it more.
As always, lead by example. You are what kids see, what you do is what they will do. If you are respectful to them, they will become respectful. And please know there is a difference between 'respecting your child' and 'being a pushover'! I often joke with my friends who are mothers and say 'all mothers are pushovers', which of course is not quite true, but then it's not entirely untrue, is it?
Yes, picking your battles is important. But so not is letting something become a battle, but just laying down the law and letting that be that. A battle comes from two sides. Laying down the law is you saying what is the rule and not going into discussion. Sometimes it's ok to tell them 'No is no is no, no matter how big a tanty you throw.' (It rhymes, too!) Especially at home, it's fine to let a kid have a tantrum and ignoring them completely. They will not die. They will not hate you (for long). And they will not become traumatised. They will learn quite quickly that throwing a tantrum is hard work and not really worth the trouble if you are not going to change your mind no matter what they do.
So remember who makes the rules. You do. Because rules require respect, and there's nothing more important in society and communities than respect. Amen.
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