Possibly Not

The biggest questions I get asked very often is when I am going to have children. It is not an odd question to be asked, I have been married for nearly five years, and most people are well aware I love kids, and they love me back. I do think it's a bit of a personal question to ask someone, but that doesn't seem to stop people from asking.

But the truth is, it's unlikely I will have children of my own. There are many reasons for that. One of them is that I know the ugly truth about having children. I have already experienced a lot of the horrible events all parents experience, including being awoken several times during the night (lucky for me no more than a week in a row), being peed/poo-ed/vomited on, being hurt accidentally (by little shoed feet, for example),  being hurt on purpose (by angry badly behaved children), being challenged beyond my nearly endless patience, being unable to use the shower/toilet by yourself all day, to name but a few. But most of all, the limits children put on your freedom and spur-of-the-moment decisions. 

And don't get me started on the pregnancy. For some reason mothers feel very comfortable sharing their stories with me about the things that happen to your body when a child has taken residence, or the aftermath. It is not something I would choose for myself at the moment.

And before you say (I know you mothers have already thought it) "It's different when they're your own", I know. I know, ok? If a child should come into our lives I will love it to the moon and back and I know we'd be fine. But I simply don't wish for any right now. I know too much of the truth. I do not have the 'baby dream' so many young women have. Children are no dream. They are friggin' real and they do NOT go away when you wake up. 

I have witness a loving couple turn into arguing parents. I have witnessed stressed, lonely, sleep-deprived mothers missing the support of their partners, I have experienced the isolation of being stuck alone at home with a child. My husband works a lot. And very long hours. I don't think he could stop doing that, his sense of responsibility to his work has always been greater than to me and his family. I am already prone to depression and bouts of feeling very alone. Just saying.

I do not see much of my husband, with his long working hours, his love for renovations and his enjoyment of golf, plus my long trips overseas, I really appreciate the little time we have together. I don't want to have to dedicate my time to anyone else right now. And to be really honest, I wouldn't want to share his attention with a small person. I want it all for myself, at least for now. 

The other major thing is that I  try to fly to Europe to visit my family and friends there at least once a year. I have since I moved here and I don't think I could stop doing it. I am still very strongly tied to the Netherlands, I am very close to my mum and my sister. I still have very, very dear friends there. Once a year is barely enough. If possible I stay for at least a month, but recently I've gone for several months. And I love it. I love it there. I feel connected in a way I cannot achieve here in Australia. No matter how many lovely people I have around me here, when I am in Europe with my family, I feel like I belong. I love the Dutch culture, I love the language, I love its traditions. I think that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be back there. 

Traveling with a child is different. I know it's not impossible, but it's not something I enjoy witnessing other people do. Let alone do it myself. 

I would want my children to know their Dutch heritage, speak the language, be close to their Dutch relatives, love and experience its traditions. Ride bikes. I don't think I could provide enough of that here by myself. 

And I doubt I will be able to afford to travel to Europe every year if we had children. 

There are lots of things I would have to do, and could no longer do.

The truth is, I do not know if I am strong enough to be a mother. I can handle 'my' kids at work very well, but they are always on their best behaviour. They do not try and push my buttons, because they know I could leave and never come back, and they know that is one thing their parents will never do. And lucky for me 'my' kids love me enough to want me to come back, and they love me enough to want to please me, to make me happy. So I nearly always have happy, well-behaved, lovely children around. 

I love the way things are right now. I have beautiful children in my life, who I can see any time I want. And I don't have to share my husband wit them. He's still all mine. They accept that I go away for several months a year, and I know if they were mine, it would not be acceptable. I enjoy coming home from work, going to the gym, staying and chatting with my gym buddies for a while, coming home late, my husband coming home, a late dinner, the energy to talk to each other, an episode of Dexter and a good night's sleep until I wake up naturally. I don't set an alarm clock, I wake up when I need to (even if it's early) because I get enough sleep...

Of course, I also know that children grow up and become adults. Adults who are still your children, but who will make you feel so proud, so loved, so happy that they are yours. Adults who will look after you when you might not be able to anymore. Even if you can, your children will be there for you. They will fly across the world once a year to help you and spend time with you should they live on the other side if it. 

I hope this makes sense to you. I worry about what people think of me, though I know I shouldn't. I don't want people to think that women who choose not to have children are selfish or workaholics. 

And like I've said before, I'm not saying 'never'. I'm saying 'possibly not'. 

Please excuse me

My grandmother would not ever let me eat a sandwich with two hands. It was unsophisticated. I was not allowed to eat with one hand under the table, or slurp my soup. Those last two things I agree with, but the first, well, I find that sometimes a sandwich just needs to be held with two hands so as not to lose all its toppings and have those tumble all the way down your front and inevitably end up on the floor!

I am a nanny who will insist on good manners. I do not accept 'what?' as a respond to a question my kids might not have understood entirely, I insist on 'sorry?', 'what did you say?' or 'what was that?' at the least. I am also very firm when it comes the term 'I want' - it is an incredibly demanding and pushy way to make a request. Adults hardly ever use that term when they ask for something, so why should children be allowed to be rude. 'I'd like' is not longer or harder to say, and it is just more pleasant to be asked with friendly words when in my position, and in that of most parents/carers, it is 95% of the time the start of a conversation started by our children, when we're most likely already in the process of attending to an earlier request of the very same little people. I am much more inclined to respond kindly to 'I'd like some milk, please' than to 'I want milk'.

Conversations, and life in general, are quite a lot more pleasant when interactions between people are  courteous and civil. It expresses respect to people who might be doing something for you. No one has ever gotten offended by a genuinely expressed 'Thank You!' when they held open a door for you, or picked up an orange that rolled away from you in the veggie isle of the supermarket.

Learning manners does not require much effort, well, not on the part of the kids. It requires a lot of effort on the part of the adults trying to teach said manners, but we know it's worth it. So many little things are more pleasant when they circumstances involve just a touch of courtesy, especially from little people.

I enjoy eating with my kids, together, at the same time, at the same table, or as has often been the case, on the same picnic rug. And even when you're sitting on the floor, you can still use manners. Wait with eating until everyone is seated, no talking with your mouth full, sitting down when eating, and waiting with getting up until everyone is finished.

Here's how I teach my kids to adhere to these rules:

Kids should try to eat like a fairy: fairies are liked by most kids and can be good examples. Fairies never talk with their mouth full. Obviously, it's very unbecoming to etherial beings. Fairies eat neatly, and with manners.

So, no talking with your mouth full. (This can be tricky when you are a nanny who requests this of her kids when the parents don't do this, I am speaking from experience. This rule goes straight out the window the moment you no longer look after those kids regularly, but oh well, I still insist on it for my own dining experience!)

Also, sitting down when eating. This is hard for kids. But, just repeat the phrase 'Please sit down while we're eating, so the your food lands on the table/your plate should it fall' and/or 'I like your company when I'm eating'. Kids understand logic, and if you keep explaining to them that when food falls on the floor all throughout the house if they run around with their food, you have to tidy it up, which means less time for you to play with them, they will respond understandingly. Or, if you are like me, you ask them if they want to clean it up themselves after lunch instead of playing, they will also be likely to stay put.

A phrase I use very often during meal times is 'less talking, more eating', which speaks for itself. If they continue to chat and be silly during meal times, explain that the longer they take to finish their meals the less time there will be for other more fun activities.

And waiting until everyone is finished. This actually has a counterpart: wait with eating until everyone is seated. More accurately: don't start until I have finished making your whole meal and I get to eat myself! Though if the children are slow eaters, it might be more helpful to let them start without you. But don't let the ones who finish first just run off and leave the table when they're done, or at least not without asking. In the case of a slow eater at your table, entertain the others with games of "I spy" or just chat. Just make sure the slow eater doesn't get involved in said games or chats, though, because they will be distracted from eating! Don't threaten with 'if you don't hurry up, you will have to eat alone' but try to encourage with 'We'd love to start a new game of hide and seek when you finish, so please try and eat some more now.'

Giving and receiving is part of every day life. It's so easy to just use nice ways to do these things: A nice 'please', 'could you' or 'could I' when requesting makes it more likely to receive an affirmative answer! Be courteous yourself when asking kids to do things, lead by example as always. Teaching children to say 'Thank you' is massive, but in the end, so satisfying. It's so nice to hear: "Thanks for cooking my dinner, mum." "Thanks for cooking my dinner, Tooey." (Tooey is the name I have been given by the kids of one of the families I've worked for the longest, when the twins were learning how to talk. They couldn't say Florence, and 'Tooey' is what they came up with instead. I thought it was cute and the name stuck, five years later I am still Tooey.)

'Could you please go get your shoes from your room, so we can go?' Is a good way to show what good manners are. When children make requests, do not give it to them until they have used the right words.
'I want my blue top on!' should be 'Can I please wear my blue top?' And when you've sorted out their blue top, make sure they say 'Thank you!'. Of course, you say 'Thank you' too, when they've set the table, or given you something you asked for. Have a chat with your kids about what it means to ask and receive. What is involved in being asked to do something when you're kind of doing something else? How does a child feel when they are asked to do something when they don't feel like it? Make them imagine how often their parent/carer gets asked by them to do something when they are doing something else? Isn't it nicer if the request is at least kindly phrased? And isn't it nice to hear 'Thank you' when the request is responded to?

Interruptions. Enough to drive you crazy. If anyone is the epitome of interruptions I would say it's a toddler or preschooler. Sigh. You're still busy explaining one thing to them when they've already asked the next question. Interrupting is not acceptable, it leads to very high stress levels and does not a pleasant situation make. Just start saying 'please wait until I have finished my sentence' as soon as your child can talk. Patience is part of having manners. Show your child that sometimes their question is not your priority, but talking to the man that has come to fix the dishwasher is. As with any rules your set for your child, it is important that you talk about them at a time when you're all happy and comfortable and doing something together. Bring up a situation where they interrupted you while you were talking, or even doing something. Analyse the situation together, and use role reversal to make them understand what they are doing. Say: 'Imagine you are talking to your friend about something important, and I come over and insist you make me a sandwich, how would you feel?' You can do this with two-year olds, really, they are not too young for that! And of course, if you absolutely must get someone's attention a 'please excuse me' is the only way to go.

Apologies. Another big one. I have just spent a week at a friend's house who has a two-and-a-half year-old daughter. This little girl has amazing manners for her age. She often apologises for things that are not even really a problem! I am very impressed with her parents for that. She had been a bit cheeky with me one night while I was alone with her and we were eating dinner, tipping her water all over the table, then swiping her arm through it and in the process also sweeping all her rice onto the floor. I was not happy. I told her that it was really not a nice thing to do and I was the one who had to clean that up. I asked her if she enjoyed tidying up a mess she didn't make, to which she responded 'No'. Then, without my prompting, she said 'I'm sorry, Florence.' It makes getting onto the floor with a cloth and a brush and shovel just a touch less unpleasant.

Of course apologise yourself when you've done something, and make sure they apologise when they've hurt someone, even if it was by accident. It softens the blow for the person who has been wronged.

With most of my techniques and rules, the most important thing is to talk about them when it isn't a hot topic. Analyse situations, ask children to imagine what it's like to be the other party, and praise them when they have done something right. Bring it up later: 'Hey, remember this morning, when you tipped over your paint jar, and you apologised? And then you helped me clean it up? That was so sweet of you. It was a very grown-up thing to do, and I appreciate it!'
Or: 'Hey, remember this morning when you tipped over your paint jar, and didn't do anything about it and just expected me to clean it up? That wasn't very nice. Imagine if I tipped over a paint jar, and I asked you to clean it up for me while I continued painting, would you have liked that? No, I didn't think so. Could you please apologise next time something like that happens? And make sure you help me when I clean it up for you? I would really like that. Thanks!'

Children with manners are so pleasant to be around. It makes you feel respected as an adult, and a little bit more appreciated. I don't quite understand why some parents don't think it's necessary for children to have manners and be polite. It's not something that takes away the joy of childhood. Being a child is one of the most fun things in life, and they have the least responsibilities they will ever have in their life. They are waited on hand and foot most of the time. They will nearly always get the best of everything. They might as well say thanks for that, even if they don't appreciate how easy their life is until they are much older.

Thank you for your attention! ; )

Celebrations

Hi team. Sorry for the long silence. I've been on a journey of sorts. First I dipped into the snotty valley of the flu, after which I had to rally to gather physical and mental health to celebrate my birthday the way I like: with friends, food, presents and all the trimmings. We also indulged in a bit of cultural enlightenment during Melbourne Festival by seeing four different shows. Then I traveled to the land of written fiction where I do like to get lots and linger. Then I had an espresso disaster to deal with, which I am pleased to say has now been resolved.

I have also been very active around the house, as I had decided on a party at home, but our house in its perpetual state of renovation was not to my exacting standards (read: it was a very dusty building site with planks and tools in nearly every room of the house). I finished renovating a lovely wooden glass cabinet I was given, which was a hideous colour aqua in a textured paint and was an absolute nightmare to sand. I did said work on our verandah where most other outdoor building work took place during winter and most of spring.
But as the weather turned lovely, finally, I decided to reclaim my verandah and have my birthday party on it, and so had a lot of work to do to get it ready. I bought a whole lot of outdoor furniture from Ikea, which meant I spent a few days assembling said furniture. But the result is very pleasant.

I am on my verandah now, having just finished a coffee and breakfast , the wind gusty, the sun gaining strength on its way of heating us to the temperature of 34 degrees Celcius today. I have done the washing yesterday, and the hot, windy conditions are perfect for drying the washing in no time. I call this "tumble dryer weather".

Let me tell you, I am immensely happy right now. I love my 'new' verandah. I spend every moment I can here since it's been finished and if the weather is warm enough. Because a Melbourne spring is likely to leave you hot and bothered one day and shivering the next.

I am so happy with my life right now. I am enjoying my job, though a few more hours of work would be very welcome, I am indulging in the fact I have a lot of spare time to finish renovating cabinets, to do spring cleaning, to grow herbs, to read, to go to the gym, to cook and clean at leisure and be a perfect contented little house wife. I am not normally a contented house wife, in fact, the very words 'house' and 'wife' together make me think of being a slave to chores and picking up after messy husbands and children. But not right now. Right now I breeze through unpacking and packing the dishwasher, I sing while vacuuming and I have even taken on my husband's one chore in the house: emptying the rubbish bins. To be honest he doesn't quite do it to my high standards anyway, he nearly always forgets to put clean bin bags back in the bins, so when I have a handful of dirty something I want to get rid of, I open a bin and realise I cannot dispose of my rubbish before a bag has been put in the bin. Drives me nuts. I also like to clean the bins with a paper towel with eucalyptus oil before putting a new bag in, and then dropping the paper towel in the empty bag so the bins smell all fresh of eucalyptus.Yes, I know it's a bit much, but I hate stinky bins.

Anyway. I am just celebrating my freedom while I have it. I am savouring the days of unstructured jobs around the house, mixed with a bit of reading and work. I have time to put my life in perspective, to ponder the world, my choices, my dreams and hopes and to be honest, I don't have much more I would ask for.

I had a great birthday. I love birthdays. What's not to love? Being lavished with attention, eating cake, receiving presents, meeting with friends and enjoying food. Birthdays have been a great source of joy in my life for as long as I can remember. Birthdays in my native Netherlands are definitely bigger deals than here in Australia. I remember as a child that the house would be decorated with garlands and ribbons, my chair at the dining table too, and my mother would put flowers around my plate, choose what was for dinner and get spoiled in every way possible. And I got lots of presents.
I have friends here who are not 'into' birthdays and even dread theirs. That makes me sad. Why would you pass up on an opportunity to celebrate being alive? My in-laws are not so very big on birthdays either. My mother-in-law does not give me a present for my birthday, but she does take me out for lunch. Me, I would do both. Presents AND lunch. And I would add cake to the mix, too.
However, she doesn't get the idea of presents. My husband and I used to spoil her with nice things for the first few years we were together, until I noticed she did not use the lovely 1000 thread egyptian cotton sheets we bought her one birthday and preferred to use her poly blend sheets from Target because they were 'still good'.  They were in her linnen cupboard, in their original packaging, for a good five years. So I reclaimed them earlier this year. We now enjoy those sheets on our own bed.

I enjoy my presents. I enjoy giving them, I adore receiving them. I have some good present givers around me. My husband has become a fantastic present giver. He makes a little show of it. Sometimes I have to go on a bit of a treasure hunt, or he makes it into a quirky scene involving some of the characters in our life. I love that. I enjoy remembering the person who bought me the gifts when I use/wear/see those items for the rest of my life. I have so many treasured objects in my house because they were gifts from treasured friends and family. My mother, in her wealthy days, was an indulgent present giver (she still wants to be, but she can't), and my life is peppered with items she got me, and I love them.

I love to celebrate. And in my opinion the Dutch are better at it in ways than the Aussies. The Dutch have a lot of celebratory traditions. The Queen's birthday, for example, is huge. The whole friggin' country turns orange, we get the day off, and everyone is out celebrating in orange outfits. There are orange cakes, drinks, beer, bread toppings, you name it, they turn it orange just for this one day. It is an event people prepare for and anticipate with excitement. In Australia the Queen's birthday is just a day off. Find below a small selection of photos we took at this year's Queen's Day celebrations in Amsterdam while we were in the Netherlands. I am the one in orange ; )

Orange bitters at midnight on Queen's night.

Turns out I was the only one Dutch enough to wear orange amongst my sister & her friends....

The canals of Amsterdam are full of revelers in orange 

When a baby is born in the Netherlands, the house is decorated in pink or blue, a big plaque (or several) with the child's name is placed in the front garden or in the window and people go to visit and eat 'beschuit met muisjes' (toasted rusks with aniseeds coated in sugar, white and blue if it's a boy, white and pink if it's a girl).

Then there's Saint Nicholas Day. It's an awesome holiday, a version of Anglo Christmas of sorts, involving lots of presents. But I will write about that in December when it's celebrated. There's also Saint Martin's Day. There's a whole 11 days of carnival in February. Easter and Christmas each get two days of celebration involving lots of food. I'm sure I've forgotten a few other festivities.
I miss the Dutch celebrations. Maybe Aussies don't celebrate as much because Australia is such a melting pot of different cultures. We do get lots of days off here, but people don't necessarily use them to celebrate, just to relax and have a bbq.

I will never pass up an opportunity to celebrate. I love parties, I love being festive, dressing up, and being with friends. Life is one amazing journey and I believe it never hurts to take a moment to think of how far you've come, what you've learnt, how you've grown, and the challenges and fun still ahead. I try and instill this in the kids I look after, too. And they get as excited about birthdays as I do!

I intended to write a bit about my books and my espresso disaster as well, but to be honest, I feel I have written enough for now and want to get back to my book and drink another coffee.  ^_^

When in Rome...or maybe it was Pompeï?

Hi team! Maybe you were wondering where I've been lately, why you've been feverishly checking for new blog for posts and found nothing but sad silence, well, here's why.

All of a sudden I was working a lot of hours, helping out a family where the dad was in hospital, the mum came down with a bad case of the flu and the two year-old twins were also not well, the only one who was ok was the six-year old, who ended up eventually having to go to the dentist because his gums got infected. Yah, everyone was NOT in a good shape. And guess what? I went home for the weekend and...yes came down with the flu myself. Am still recovering and coughing like a heavy smoker as I type this.

I am also a day away from turning 32, and because of sudden work and then my sickness I have so far been unable to send out my birthday invites for my party which is next friday, so I have to get onto that. And I am in a writer's database for a company which needs me to do some sample writing for them before Monday, so I have to get onto that. I also need to do my taxes.

Isn't it annoying that being sick does absolutely nothing for you but steal away your time and energy you would have used to do useful things? Like writing one's blog?

So for now, apologies. I shall be back soon. After my chores. 

Layin' down the law

I touched upon a heavy topic in my last post, but the events of the last week made me think extensively of boundaries. It's amazing how many people felt something very big to the core of their being when they found out Jill went missing, and then, when we found out what had happened to her, it struck this entire city, and it reverberated across the nation and the world. But it has brought us together, yesterday 30.000 people marched along the very street where Jill was taken. Strangers connected by grief. Quite inspiring and heartwarming. I hope that despite the horror of what happened, something will change for the good forever.

Like a lot of people I've spoken to, this event has just been in the back of my head constantly. And the niggling thought of how we can prevent it from happening again. Like I mentioned before, I believe it's in teaching young people about respect and boundaries. It's a giant task, I know.

And as someone who deals with a lot of little people who are only learning about boundaries, I think we can teach people from a very young age that there a laws in our world. Kids will understand this, if you explain it the right way. Laws are here to protect us, although a lot of people think they are here to ruin their fun or limit their options. But without them, we'd be in an awful mess. 

Laws are just a set of rules. And rules are things children are familiar with, and understand. So if we teach children rules from an early age as something normal and useful, we can hope that they will feel the same about laws out in the world when they grow up. Home rules for children are just like laws for adults. Home rules are small scale laws. 

I once interviewed with people who were interested in hiring a nanny for their 18 month-old boy and they told me they didn't use the word 'No' with their child. They would say 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart.' This honestly made my jaw drop. Why wouldn't you introduce your child to a word that they will be hearing more often than most other words, for most of their lives? How would you get the whole sentence 'I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart' out in time before something goes wrong? No is a normal, good word. It's short and to the point. A baby will understand the word No very quickly. No is not offensive or rude or hurtful. No is fine. Unless it's an answer to a offer, then you would just add the words 'thank you'! 

So, I use the word No in my child rearing duties quite often, but I always explain why. If you explain rules, they are easier to abide by. No to sweets before dinner, because you will ruin your appetite (and probably your teeth, too!). No to playing with dangerous objects, because you might hurt yourself. No to playing with adults' expensive objects (phones, iPads, computers), because they are very precious to us and we've had to save up lots of pocket money to buy them, and because without them, there will be lots of things we cannot do. Like earn said money to buy you sweets and toys. It always helps to put it in a perspective that they can apply to themselves: "If you break my phone, I will have to spend money on buying myself a new phone instead of buying you that bike/Barbie house/Lego set you want for your birthday."

It is important to set rules at a young age, because it is much harder to start saying no to something when they've been allowed to do it for as long as they can remember. Teach babies to stay out of cupboards that hold items that are important to you. Give them a drawer or cupboard that is theirs, which is ok to open and to get into, and teach them that others are 'out of bounds.' Teach toddlers not to help themselves to whatever is in the pantry without asking first. Teach them not to touch the stereo/tv/dvd player without permission. If they have grown up knowing there are certain rules in their lives, it will be much easier for them to understand that rules are everywhere all of the time. 

It is much crueler to let a toddler get into your cupboards for two years ('because they are only little') and then suddenly want them to stop when they are able to take items out and stuff them into the dvd player or down the toilet, than it is to start telling a baby 'No' when they try to get into things. Of course you offer them something else to play with, but that's not trouble. 

Just as it is cruel to let your toddler play with your iPhone all their lives and then realise you need to use it yourself for something actually important, and have to take it from them forcibly with a tantrum to follow, than it is to teach your child from a young age that things like phones are not toys, and that occasions when they are allowed to play with them are special, that it is yours and you need to use it often, explain the difference between 'using' something and 'playing' with something.

None of my children are allowed in my handbag or to handle my phone without permission. That's a rule. And they are all totally cool with that. Just like it is a law in the real world that taking something that is not yours is called 'stealing' and punishable. None of my children are allowed to hit anyone, or call others names or use inappropriate language. In the real world that can be called 'assault' and is also punishable. I explain why, I ask them how they would feel if I hurt them, if I called them 'stupid' or use words that would upset them. I ask them if I ever do those things to them. No, I don't. I tell them that is called 'respect', and is something nice people do. It is something that makes people happy and get along with each other. And all kids like being happy and getting along.

Just because it is your child who is getting into your handbag and getting out your wallet and spreading all your cards in a jumble on the floor and chewing on your banknotes (I have seen it happen many times!) doesn't really make it ok. Just because you know you can take it back from them, you think it's fine. But if you don't teach kids that not everything is theirs, they will get very confused when they encounter something they cannot get into. When they suddenly hear 'no' when all they've experienced is 'yes'. 

This, I think, also applies to respecting other people's personal space and bodies. There is a time when you can start telling toddlers that it is not ok to hurt other people. Toddlers experience pain, and so do other people. You can teach them this. 

You have to be very clear and quite firm in this regard. If a toddler seems to start to revert to physical aggression (hitting, pinching, pulling hair, etc), the moment it happens, step in, take the child away from the situation to somewhere quiet (getting told off in front of others is humiliating, and unnecessary because they are learning how to behave and learning is not something to be ashamed of), kneel down so you're face to face, and tell them that hitting is not ok. You don't have to use the word 'naughty', I am not a fan of it. Just say it is not ok, and that it hurts. Ask them if they ever see you hurt other people when you get upset. No. Teach them other ways to deal with their anger or frustation, like finding an adult to help them sort the situation out or simply walking away. Teach them to count to ten and think of what it is that makes them want to hit. Tell them that after they've calmed down, they can then tell the person they were hitting, what it was that made them want to hit. 

It is always helpful to reflect on situations with children after a bit of time has passed and they have had time to think about what happened. Sit down together at a time when you both/all feel ok, have a bite to eat, sit together, look each other in they eye and talk about it. They might not be able to express themselves very well yet, but they will understand that you can talk calmly about something that has happened which made people upset. If they are not quite able to talk yet, just talk to them yourself in a calm voice. This is the pathway to good communication and feeling heard and understood. To understanding that sometimes you need to contain your feelings, take a moment and get back to that emotion later. That it is ok to get upset, but it is not ok to hurt people. But that later you can express your feelings and have them be heard. 

Please also do this when a child has made you proud, or did something kind or helpful. Take a moment at another time to praise them, to tell them they've made you happy and that you are so proud of them. And take that moment to be proud of yourself for having taught your kids well. Take moments to take a child onto your lap and tell them about certain character traits they might have, or things they do that make you happy. It isn't a hard thing to do and it will only ever encourage children to do it more. 

As always, lead by example. You are what kids see, what you do is what they will do. If you are respectful to them, they will become respectful. And please know there is a difference between 'respecting your child' and 'being a pushover'! I often joke with my friends who are mothers and say 'all mothers are pushovers', which of course is not quite true, but then it's not entirely untrue, is it? 

Yes, picking your battles is important. But so not is letting something become a battle, but just laying down the law and letting that be that. A battle comes from two sides. Laying down the law is you saying what is the rule and not going into discussion. Sometimes it's ok to tell them 'No is no is no, no matter how big a tanty you throw.' (It rhymes, too!) Especially at home, it's fine to let a kid have a tantrum and ignoring them completely. They will not die. They will not hate you (for long). And they will not become traumatised. They will learn quite quickly that throwing a tantrum is hard work and not really worth the trouble if you are not going to change your mind no matter what they do.

So remember who makes the rules. You do. Because rules require respect, and there's nothing more important in society and communities than respect. Amen.

A child without boundaries becomes...

I have just read some disturbing and devastating news. After following closely any news on the disappearance of a young woman called Gillian Meagher from a city suburb not far from where I live, where I go and have friends, the newspaper told me her body was found after they arrested a man who is charged with her rape and murder.

I was thinking of her all last night, as I sat in a park with a friend watching her kids play in the rosy setting sun, as I enjoyed a warm spring evening with my husband on a little bench in the dark sharing a milkshake, admiring the halo around the moon. I was thinking of where she might be, hoping she was ok. She was not.

I was having such a lovely evening. Scrap that, I am having such a lovely life. Imagine someone just putting a stop to that because they felt an urge. I have walked home, in the middle of the night, by myself, so many times. Through the Fitzroy Gardens at age 19. Granted, I don't drink so I was always fully wary and on guard, but still, I am not sure I could have warded off anyone who was intent of harming me. Once again it is well and truly obvious it could happen to anyone. That could have been me. I could have been dead, right now. No warm spring evening enjoying life.

It infuriates me that there are people in this world, and it is a statistic that these people are mostly men, who think it is ok for them to treat another person as if they are theirs to use as they please. It is NEVER ok. That they can use their physical power to take what they want from another person, including their life. It makes me feel so sick and sad.

Those people, those rapists and murders, have come to the conclusion that they can use other people to release their urges, have somehow learned throughout their life that to rape and murder is an option. Those rapists and murderers were innocent children once, but somewhere in their growing up, they have been shown that they can do evil and get away with it. Who was guiding these people? Who was teaching these people? How are there still people in this world who have so little guidance in their youth that they become adults who can even consider harming another, taking another's person's life?

In the end it comes down to respect, doesn't it? Respecting other people's lives, their bodies, their freedom. You can only do this when you have been taught to respect, and received respect as a child, as a young adult. But because respect is such an abstract term, it can be hard to teach.

There are lines that are crossed unnoticeably. Children try push their boundaries constantly. How far can I go, before I get told off? I am afraid that this is what happens with people who do harm to others. I assume it starts small, maybe they will try to just touch a woman inappropriately and find that nothing happens after. Their life continues on just as normal. The woman doesn't press charges, possibly because the woman thinks she might not be believed or somehow might have given him the impression she was into it. Line crossed. So many lines crossed. What was the line? Is saying the word 'No' a line? What if she just thinks 'No'? What if his hand is over her mouth and she doesn't get to say 'No'?

Respect is about knowing those lines, I guess. And what happens to those who received no respect as a child - how are they going to grow up and be respecting adults? I daresay that the man who raped and killed Jill did not grow up a happy and respectful child.

So here's what I think. We need to teach all children to respect everyone. Other kids, their parents, their siblings, their pets, even their belongings. Have you ever seen a kid hit their parent/carer? I have, so very often. There is an age, around two to three, where there is a lot of frustration in a toddler's life and they will quickly resort to violence. One of the children I am looking after is going through that stage at the moment and I am very firm when it comes to hitting. No, it doesn't hurt me when they hit me. But it is simply not the way to deal with your frustration, so I try to explain firmly and calmly that when they hit, they will not get what they want, and are most likely going to achieve the opposite of what they want, for example to be sent to the naughty spot. There is a line. I am teaching a line. I am teaching a rule. I am teaching a worldwide law on a small scale:  If you use violence, you will be confined.

The man who raped and killed Jill will go to prison. And then what? He might not be able to do it again for a long time. He might choose in the meantime to not do it again. But what about the people walking around free with in their heads the thoughts forming that they can act upon any urge they might have?

Murder and rape have been around as long as humans. Why? How have we as yet failed to get rid of these ugly parts of our society? It's a worrying thought. No, installing extra CCTV cameras is not going to solve the problem. The problem lies with kids not being taught to respect lines that should not be crossed. And that should be something we can change, right?

So for now, I'm going to keep teaching boundaries. It's my little way of trying to make sure that all the kids I have a part in raising become respectful adults. It's a small thing, but it's something.

My heartfelt condolences to Jill's family and friends. I am so sorry your Jill was not safe in our society to walk home on a Saturday morning when so many other women did the same thing and made it there safely. It is not fair and it is not right.

The very mature girl

Sorry it's been a while since my last post, I have been indulging in a bit of sewing in my studio, I'm working on a new handbag that will have a safe and padded pocket for my iPad...my new favourite toy. I have also been a little bit sick and a little bit sad because our poor old family cat, who lived with my mother in the Netherlands, had unfortunately be put down. She's had a long and loved life for a cat, though, and she wasn't a happy cat anymore by the end of her life.

Anyway. Here's back to my blogging. It occurred to me today that I always prefer to be referred to as a 'girl', rather than a 'lady' or a 'woman'. I have the problem that I feel younger than I am, in so many ways. I have a dislike for all the responsibility that comes with being nearly 32, which is not to say that I don't take responsibility. I am an extremely responsible person, I am just easily overwhelmed and exhausted by the responsibility that comes with being a full-fledged adult. I have only just come to realise that I am no longer a young adult. I am an adult adult now. But I just don't feel that way.

I still have quite a child-like view on the world, which is why children like me so much. I have a sense of humour that appeals to most kids, and an imagination fit for a child. I like it that way. I know my husband is endeared and amused by my occasional needs to pretend to be a penguin (I do a very good penguin impersonation) or blame Om Nom (see green creature in pic below) for eating all the biscuits/chocolates in the house.

My last Valentine's day haul courtesy of my hubby

I am a light-hearted person, who thinks bruises are pretty and has a fascination with small cute creatures, in particular owls and squirrels. I like monsters too (as long as they're cute). I like riding bikes, climbing trees and building cubbies. I love Lego.

I wear sensible shoes, and no make-up, most of the time anyway. I do like to dress up when there's reason to. But I prefer to be able to run and jump when necessary, and to be able to rub my eyes without worrying about smudging my make-up (like when I watch movies that make me cry, which a lot of them do).

I have a lot of enthusiasm, and a lot of love. I am a kid in that sense. If I like your earrings, I will tell you. Just like kids do. If I think you're awesome, I will tell you. Why wouldn't I? Of course, I am known to sometimes be a little bit too blunt with my opinions of things, but I won't lie just for the sake of being polite. I am more of the belief that if you have nothing nice to say it's better not to say anything at all, but sometimes I have to vent. And sometimes I let a remark out before thinking about what I'm saying.

I love birthdays and parties. I look forward to my birthday every year, and I always try to throw a party which nearly nobody comes to, because most people are too busy being responsible adults (a.ka. boring). Quite a few of my peers either don't really celebrate their birthday, or even don't tell others when their birthday is. How silly! Why pass up on the opportunity to celebrate, receive presents and eat cake? Honestly! My birthday is next month and you bet I will be throwing a party, nomatter if people come or not. Cocktails will be drunk! And so will some people, possibly. Probably not me, as I have never been drunk and don't drink much alcohol. I just like the fanciness of cocktails, but I don't particularly care if there's alcohol in them, as long as they look good and taste yummy.
I have always been a bit child-like in my tastes, too. I only started drinking coffee at 21 and alcohol around 27, but I still don't drink beer or wine.

Anyway, I don't feel like a woman. I just feel like a very mature girl and I hope I will always feel that way. So just call me 'girl' when you refer to me, at least for now. 

Storage Sunday

This makes me happy.

An organised house

Here's something I've learned: children, teenagers, some women and a lot of  grown men do not notice mess. They tend to create it, and then walk away oblivious to the fact that the space they have left behind is no longer comfortably useable by others.

But, here's something else I've learned: they don't notice if you've not vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the oven, scrubbed the kitchen bench or cleaned the shower either. So from this day forward: only do those type of chores for yourself, or if your mother in law is coming over. She will notice.

Sharing a house with other people can be challenging when one likes organised living and dislikes mess. Especially if those other people are children, teenagers, certain women or grown men. Training your housemates to do as you want them takes effort and persistence and sometimes stealth. I speak from experience when I say training 3 little kids to do as you wish is much harder than training one stubborn 69 year-old. You know it's true, mum.

So, I have come up with some simple tricks I like to use. It can be a serious challenge, but persistence is key. You are, quite possibly, the captain of the ship called home and all benefit if it sails smoothly!

Start right now. Only tiny babies are unable to understand the concept of tidying up. The moment a child grasps the concept of putting something 'in' something else, they are ready for training. Honestly! Don't think their tiny cuteness is a reason for you to do all the boring chores. They are willing and able at this early age. But they need guidance, obviously.

Small kids love helping, use it to your advantage. After a play with anything, make a big affair of 'tidying up'. Lots of praise when this is done is key. Have clear locations for things, so they know where things go. You letting them do tasks like tidying up shows them you trust them to be able to do these tasks that you normally do. They get confidence out of it. Everybody wins!

Also, very importantly: teach them to put one toy away before they grab another from the toy chest/cupboard/whatever. Have a maximum amount of toys that you're willing to have out at any one time and make that clear. 

Having an organised house is key to easy tidy-up rituals. You need clear, easy locations for the things your housemates use. For kids, it's good to have baskets, boxes, cupboards with drawers and doors. Mark them with labels and have kids who don't read yet draw pictures themselves to stick on for their reference. 

Go to your local Ikea, storage place, wherever, and get lots of boxes and containers for inside cupboards and drawers. Get drawer dividers. Be over zealous, go nuts, you will always find stuff to put in that container you didn't think you needed in the store! In Australia I also suggest visiting a shop called Store, or Howard's Storage World. 

Teach kids from as young as possible to put things away before they move on to something else. Don't feed them dinner until they've tidied up their games/homework/toys. Do not allow random piles on your dining table! I know that's a hard one. I struggle with this one myself. But it's so nice to have space to always be able to sit down at it and spread out the paper/ eat/do a puzzle/fold the laundry.

Oh, speaking of laundry: that is not only your task, either. Kids can help with this. So can teenagers, women, men and even stubborn mothers. Give each bedroom  in the house a laundry basket. Set the rule that if they take it off and it's dirty, to put it into threir laundry basket, if it's not, back in the drawer.  

A friend (the same one who suggested I write this blog) recently had a complete revelation when she decided to no longer fold her kids' clothes. I suggest getting drawer boxes and just giving different items of clothes its specific box. Ikea have some awesome in-wardrobe, cupboard and and in-drawer organisers called SKUBB, like these, and these. They work all over the house, not just for clothes.

Skubb in action in my wardrobe

If you are low on cash, which I was when I was a student, use empty cardboard containers or boxes cut down to size. For example, I used to cut the ends of my cereal boxes to the same height of my drawers and put wide sticky tape on the bottom of them for my pens and paint brushes. Also, empty shoe boxes,  cotton tip containers, Ferrero Rocher containers and the like are perfect for organising craft materials, just label them so you know what's in them. 

Some cut up cereal boxes used in my studio drawers

Shoe boxes and cereal boxes used to organise my studio

More Ikea storage boxes in my studio (and those are my handmade creatures on top!)

More shoe boxes and empty other containers in my studio

When the washing is done in your house, get each person to take their washing to their room, and put it away themselves. It's easy when there's no folding and there are specific drawer boxes for their shirts, shorts, undies and whatnots. 

Of course, you can still be in charge of delicate things that need ironing or hanging, but for simple items of clothing, kids can take their own responsibility. And they should!

Do I need to mention dirty dishes do not belong in bedrooms or lounge rooms? Have kids put their dishes in the kitchen when finished eating. And try as hard as you can to have them sit at the tabe when they eat. This can be tricky, but it saves you so much vacuuming! 

One of the things that I also suggest is to give each member of household a reasonable size but nice looking basket/drawer/box in the lounge room in which you can deposit any items that they might have left lying around, and is in your way. That way, whenever you hear "Mum/Honey, where is my ..." you can always say "Did you look in your basket/drawer/box?"

An organised house is a joy to live in. It is easy to find the things you need and it's easy putting them away. I love my house, despite the fact it's been a building site in several stages of renovations for the last seven years, I've managed to keep it tidy and organised. 

 See below some photos of my house. I have not tidied anything before taking the pictures. This is how it actually looks at all times! Of course, I do not have children and have a rare species of husband who folds his clothes and puts them away before hopping into bed, something I don't even do! So I am lucky. But it's not too structured, there's a bit of mess and untidiness around, but not so much that it annoys anyone. As a tile says that used to hang in my grandmother's house: "This house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy. "

The Kitchen

It's off my bench, but right in reach

utensil drawer

spice drawer

bottom drawer

cutlery and knives

plates belong in a drawer!

The wardrobe

my shirts are organised by colour and sleeve length

The Bathroom

bathroom drawer

bathroom cabinet

The Laundry

My laundry

Rainy Day with kids

Ok, so spring may have just started here in lovely Melbourne, but I just looked at the monthly forecast and this is what I saw when it came to rainfall...


So, rain is all good and well, but if it's just endless, as it has been a bit here the last few months and apparently will be for a bit longer, I thought I'd share with you my favourite activities to do with kids when the weather is bad. There are other websites with great ideas such as this one, this one,  or this one (for small kids), some of them might be the same as mine.

I have spent many a day locked inside with rain lashing outside and bored kids inside. Sure you can chuck on the latest Disney movie and enjoy their zombie-like faces, but as I have mentioned before, I am convinced this generation of kids will spend more time in front of screens than we ever thought possible. Better to get them active and/or creative.

Here goes!

Build a fort/cubby

Favourite by far: build a fort/cubby out of couch cushions, sheets, blankets tablecloths, tables, chairs, pegs, broomsticks, elastic bands, whatever. The bigger the better! Then have a tea party/ picnic inside.
This can also be done with cardboard boxes, just make sure you buy a fridge first!

Build an obstacle course

Use furniture, toys, any items around the house into making an obstacle course as long as possible, through different rooms, let the kids think of different routes to go through it. Be creative, use chairs sideways, let kids climb over the edge of a couch, set out the route with masking tape on the floor, keep count, race, etc. Hours of fun!

Build a track for small balls

Use empty paper towel rolls, any bits of recycling, paper boxes, furniture, etc to build a track for marbles or golf ball, The fun of course is to start as high as possible and use our old friend gravity to help your balls roll as far as possible.

Build you own dolls house / multi-story car park / castle

You will need a bit of recycling for this activity, but kids will love making their own minature house, or car park, or whatever. Save empty matchboxes to glue together for a little chest of drawers or beds, etc. Here are some great sites to inspire you: Planetpal,  Kidspot, Yahoo!

A Dutch lady by the name of Karina Schaapman started making a dolls house, or as it's know a Mouse House ( here is another blog's post about it), one day out of cardboard boxes and ended up making one that is now three metres high and two metres wide and lives in the City Library of Amsterdam. I saw it a few months ago and loved it. It is entirely handmade and mostly made out of recycled household items! It is the base for her books about the mice Sam and Julia, which is soon to be published by Allen & Unwin in English here in Australia. 

Get crafty 

Of course there's hours of fun in paper, glue and scissors, tons of colours and glitters and whatever else. 

Here's some things kids could make:

1. Design your own board game
2. Make a jigsaw puzzle out of colouring pages or your own drawings by sticking them onto a piece of cardboard and drawing puzzle pieces on the back of it and then cut it up
3. Make your own pop-up book/lift the flap book 
4. Make tons of cards for birthdays/celebrations to use on later occasions
5. Design your own wrapping paper
6. Draw mazes for each other
7. The internet is FULL of colouring pages you can print out for kids to colour in, just go to Google images and search for your desired subject and add colouring page i.e. "Disney Princess Colouring Page" (or Coloring Page, which is how the Americans write it, to broaden your search results.) 

Pass-on drawings/stories

Depending on the age group of the kids,  there are two options. With young kids you can each grab a piece of paper, and start drawing the head of a character, including the neck, and then fold the paper so your drawing is hidden and only the bottom lines of the neck are visible, then the next person has to draw the torso, etc. Make sure you fold each piece so it stays hidden! Come up with a name for your character and its pet to add a few more turns, then unfold it together!

For older kids you can make silly stories by each writing a line, then folding the paper and just putting the first word or two words of the next line for the next person, and hand it around/back and forth. Once again, make sure the lines stay hidden until everyone has had a few turns and/or the paper is full. 

Get in the kitchen

Of course baking and cooking things together is endless fun. Bake some simple biscuits or cakes, then enjoy them with a cup of tea inside your cubby/fort! Here are just a few recipes you could make. 

You could also make some play dough while you're at it! Here's a recipe for it.

Get out of the kitchen - Pretend Master Chef

So, this a hit with my kids who are four and over and watch a show called Master Chef. Play pretend Master Chef with all the kitchen utensils, bowls, trays etc you are happy to let kids play with. Perhaps not real knives, eh? But safe things. 

Then set them up at their own cooking station, allocate a pretend oven, fridge, etc. and let them choose pretend ingredients for their pretend dishes, let them start pretending to prepare them, yell 'five minutes to go' or something other every now and then, then start counting down to get them to finish their dishes in a flourish of stressed plating up and presenting.

Of course they will have to present their dishes to the judges and tell them what they've created (you, and some of the other kids, they will love taking turns on judging each other's recipes) and select a winner. I have played this for hours in the last few years!

Of course you can re-enact a lot of tv games as long as you're happy to use your imagination!

Invent a play / Act out your favourite book

Bring out the dress-up box and let your imagination go crazy! 

Re-organise a cupboard or wardrobe

Ok, so it might not seem like fun, but with a favourite dinner for a reward or an outing somewhere fun,  you can make it fun. Choose a cupboard everyone uses, or a kids wardrobe and sort it out with things you love (easy access), things you use every now and then, and things that can go. Get three shopping baskets or washing baskets and place everything in a 'keep' 'maybe' 'go' baskets. You will all feel good when it's done.

Of course there is no end to the fun to be found on the internet, so google away and enjoy yourselves! 

Would you like a pocket for that?

So, here's a confessions: I love organising. I have written about this before in my old blog, but it is just something I am quite obsessive about. If there is one thing that totally messes me up it's clutter and untidiness. Also dirt bothers me, and smudges and caked-on goo. Family, friends and families I have worked for will tell you I cannot let messy things be messy. Especially cupboards. 

My first ever self-designed and handmade bag

And if you work with children, who are the opposite of organised, it helps to be organised. Take, for example,  my handbag. It is a product of this very passion for organising. I used to buy bags, preferably with lots of pockets. But my problem was that there were never enough pockets, they were not the right size, and never in the right place. And on the off chance I would find a bag that would have quite practical pockets, those bags would be boring and/or ugly. And I am neither of those things. So, out of frustration, I designed and created my own handbag. One that was not only nice looking, but also had 21 pockets. All in the right place for my particular things. 

Current Bag

26 Pockets

Since then, I have made a few more bags, in particular I have made some nappy bags, because I always found flaws with those when out and about with babies as well.  My latest handbag design has 26 pockets, teo pen holders, two key hooks and of course, a stylish design. I am quite pleased with the bags I've come up with so far. So much so that I am pondering if I should start selling them.  Of course I have nothing on my favourite luggage designer Tom Bihn and his super practical designs, but we're not in competition. 

Interior, with cool compartment

Folds open into nanny change station

First attempt Nappy Bag

I carry a lot of practical things around. All in their own pockets. In this department there is also someone who totally trumps me here, my best friend Phiroze, but he and I are not in competition either. He overrules me when it comes to awesome lifestyles and practicality, but I kick his butt when it comes to being practical in a stylish way. We're both total geeks, only I hide it better. He carries his stuff around in a pouch on his tummy, where as my stuff is all organised in my bag. If you saw us together, you would not say we are basically the same person. But we are. He is my male BFF on the other side of the planet. But adventures are global so we're ok.  I miss him though.

So, my handbag is the pinnacle of my organised life. Also the pride, I would say. One of my favourite things I like to hear is 'I like your bag!' but also 'I like your blog!' I also have a super organised kitchen. Oh, how I love my kitchen, and how hard I find it to cook in other people's kitchens. My car is also organised, the boot has a fold-out organising compartment in it. And then there is my wardrobe. My tops are stacked by color and sleeve-length. Yes. I know.  I fold socks and undies. Forgive me. Here's the ultimate proof I have no children: I iron my bed sheets and fold them into perfect rectangles. Yes, the fitted mattress covers too. 

My favourite feature of our house: my architecturally designed laundry chute from the bathroom into the laundry. No dirty laundry on my bathroom floor, no sir-ee!  I know, fancy, right? And architecturally designed too. By that, I actually am saying that my husband designed and built it, because he is an architect. And a wonderful man, too, which is lucky.

My husband and I have actually designed and built pretty much all the storage spaces in our house,  he did most of the building and I did most of the telling what I needed. 

A big part of my organised life has also been helped very much by my wonderful Apple products, my iFamily; baby iPhone, teenager iPad and dad MacBook Air. And no, I am not endorsed by Apple. Nobody is. Apple doesn't need to pay people to promote their products in their blogs, because people just rave about them regardless.  I have a perfectly synced life, my notes, my addresses, my photos, are on all my devices all the time. I love that. I'm never looking for anything for very long.

I don't just limit my organising urges to my own life. I like to spread the love and organise other people's houses, bags, lives. Families I've worked for have on occasion come home to a fully organised cupboard or two, and none of them have ever complained. 

When I visit my mother's house, I always get into all her kitchen cupboards and clean them out and re-organise them. She still loves the fact that I've moved all her plastic containers from a high cupboard into a low drawer for easy access. I generally don't limit my organising to her kitchen, actually.

I can't stand clutter, it makes me feel anxious and unsettled. Sorting through things, organising them, throwing things out, it all makes me feel calm and clear. I am a bog fan of labels, too. I enjoy going to storage stores and buying boxes and storage solutions. When all is sorted and cleared, I get a lovely feeling on accomplishment and satisfaction. 

So...you got any rooms/bags/lives that need organising? I am for hire!

Example of an awesome Dad

Just read this article about an amazing Dad.

Fathers

It's father's day here in Australia, so let me take this opportunity to celebrate every Dad I know, especially new ones: your job is so important. For me, father's day is never an easy day, and unfortunately, I end up having to be confronted with this day twice a year since it is in June in the Netherlands and I am nearly always there at that time because it's also my mother's birthday in June. If you are in the mood for a cheerful story, you might want to skip this post. But in my life, there is a distinction between a father and a dad. I have a father, but I never had a dad. My father has last year told my sister and I that he doesn't care for us anymore, he doesn't want to know us and that we are a disappointment to him, a dad would never do such a thing.

A Dad to me is a man you adored as a child, who lifted you up, who held you the strongest, who let you dance on his toes, who hopefully managed to teach you right from wrong, who tried to keep you on the straight and narrow when you were a teen, disapproved of your boyfriends and taught you about driving cars, how to build stuff, why you should save money and is the only man in your life that will love you forever and unconditionally. Not everybody has one of those.

A father is the man whose DNA you share. Everybody has one.

Here is a horrible truth: Sometimes when I catch my reflection in a mirror, I see my father's features and I feel disgust and pain. I don't want to hate my father, I don't think I actually hate him. But when I think of him there is nothing happy I can feel. I am thankful I was created. But there is so much hurt there, that sometimes I get very angry. I know he cannot help being who he is, and he has had a youth that lead to why he is how he is. But it is not right to blame your children for things that happened when they were small and had absolutely no power over.

Thankfully, I know many lovely dads, and very few fathers choose to hurt their children. I have enormous respect for men who take responsibility for their children, who do their utmost to raise them to be happy, confident people. I especially respect dads who have raised daughters to be women who are confident within themselves and have healthy relationships with men.

I have a wonderful father-in-law now, and a lovely husband. I call my father-in-law Superdad. He is the man I call if I have car trouble and my husband is unavailable. He is the man who supports us and we can trust with advice on important decisions. He is not the man I call to talk to about my feelings, though, as it seems the men in my husband's family are not able to do that. But I have my amazing friend Phiroze who is the only man in the world I can talk to about the same things I would talk to my girlfriends. He and I can stay up until 4 am talking, and I absolutely treasure that.

I can get very emotional when I see girls who have lovely days. Dads who look out for them, dads who take care of them, goofy dads who make terrible jokes but in their heart of hearts want nothing but the best for their little girls. Growing up as a teenager and young adult I kept wanting my boyfriends to be like a dad, protective, caring, strong. Silly things to expect from teenage boys or young men, I know now.

It takes life experience to be a dad, and a strong man to know what to teach your children. It's not easy being a man, I know that. It's not easy being a woman, either. Being an adult comes with so many responsibilities and so much is expected of you. I find it challenging. I try to teach the kids I look after the things in life that I feel are important, and one of those things is love the people who care for you, and express that love.

That's the one thing I can say about growing up without a dad, is that I wish the people who did grow up with one, and the dads I see and know, to tell their kids/dads that they love them and to talk about your feelings with each other. It's easy for women to tell people they love them, but for men, it seems to be hard. I often hear the mother I work for express in many ways that they love their kids, with words as well as actions. But I know many people who say that they wished their dads had said they loved them more often. And that they wish they had told their dads they love them too.

I am convinced that boys who are raised by fathers who teach them that it's good to express yourself with words, that it's ok to feel hurt and cry, and to always communicate with the people around them (personal as well as at work), that they become better boyfriends, husbands, bosses and fathers than boys who are raised to 'suck it up and be a man'. Life can be painful, there is no shame in showing that you experience pain. It is not manly to keep it inside. It is silly! Same with joy. If you're happy, let people know. And if you feel love, shout it out. It is always nice to hear!

So if you are a dad, or if you have one, tell them honestly, while looking each other in the eye, that you love him/them. I envy you, I wish I could do the same.