My grandmother would not ever let me eat a sandwich with two hands. It was unsophisticated. I was not allowed to eat with one hand under the table, or slurp my soup. Those last two things I agree with, but the first, well, I find that sometimes a sandwich just needs to be held with two hands so as not to lose all its toppings and have those tumble all the way down your front and inevitably end up on the floor!
I am a nanny who will insist on good manners. I do not accept 'what?' as a respond to a question my kids might not have understood entirely, I insist on 'sorry?', 'what did you say?' or 'what was that?' at the least. I am also very firm when it comes the term 'I want' - it is an incredibly demanding and pushy way to make a request. Adults hardly ever use that term when they ask for something, so why should children be allowed to be rude. 'I'd like' is not longer or harder to say, and it is just more pleasant to be asked with friendly words when in my position, and in that of most parents/carers, it is 95% of the time the start of a conversation started by our children, when we're most likely already in the process of attending to an earlier request of the very same little people. I am much more inclined to respond kindly to 'I'd like some milk, please' than to 'I want milk'.
Conversations, and life in general, are quite a lot more pleasant when interactions between people are courteous and civil. It expresses respect to people who might be doing something for you. No one has ever gotten offended by a genuinely expressed 'Thank You!' when they held open a door for you, or picked up an orange that rolled away from you in the veggie isle of the supermarket.
Learning manners does not require much effort, well, not on the part of the kids. It requires a lot of effort on the part of the adults trying to teach said manners, but we know it's worth it. So many little things are more pleasant when they circumstances involve just a touch of courtesy, especially from little people.
I enjoy eating with my kids, together, at the same time, at the same table, or as has often been the case, on the same picnic rug. And even when you're sitting on the floor, you can still use manners. Wait with eating until everyone is seated, no talking with your mouth full, sitting down when eating, and waiting with getting up until everyone is finished.
Here's how I teach my kids to adhere to these rules:
Kids should try to eat like a fairy: fairies are liked by most kids and can be good examples. Fairies never talk with their mouth full. Obviously, it's very unbecoming to etherial beings. Fairies eat neatly, and with manners.
So, no talking with your mouth full. (This can be tricky when you are a nanny who requests this of her kids when the parents don't do this, I am speaking from experience. This rule goes straight out the window the moment you no longer look after those kids regularly, but oh well, I still insist on it for my own dining experience!)
Also, sitting down when eating. This is hard for kids. But, just repeat the phrase 'Please sit down while we're eating, so the your food lands on the table/your plate should it fall' and/or 'I like your company when I'm eating'. Kids understand logic, and if you keep explaining to them that when food falls on the floor all throughout the house if they run around with their food, you have to tidy it up, which means less time for you to play with them, they will respond understandingly. Or, if you are like me, you ask them if they want to clean it up themselves after lunch instead of playing, they will also be likely to stay put.
A phrase I use very often during meal times is 'less talking, more eating', which speaks for itself. If they continue to chat and be silly during meal times, explain that the longer they take to finish their meals the less time there will be for other more fun activities.
And waiting until everyone is finished. This actually has a counterpart: wait with eating until everyone is seated. More accurately: don't start until I have finished making your whole meal and I get to eat myself! Though if the children are slow eaters, it might be more helpful to let them start without you. But don't let the ones who finish first just run off and leave the table when they're done, or at least not without asking. In the case of a slow eater at your table, entertain the others with games of "I spy" or just chat. Just make sure the slow eater doesn't get involved in said games or chats, though, because they will be distracted from eating! Don't threaten with 'if you don't hurry up, you will have to eat alone' but try to encourage with 'We'd love to start a new game of hide and seek when you finish, so please try and eat some more now.'
Giving and receiving is part of every day life. It's so easy to just use nice ways to do these things: A nice 'please', 'could you' or 'could I' when requesting makes it more likely to receive an affirmative answer! Be courteous yourself when asking kids to do things, lead by example as always. Teaching children to say 'Thank you' is massive, but in the end, so satisfying. It's so nice to hear: "Thanks for cooking my dinner, mum." "Thanks for cooking my dinner, Tooey." (Tooey is the name I have been given by the kids of one of the families I've worked for the longest, when the twins were learning how to talk. They couldn't say Florence, and 'Tooey' is what they came up with instead. I thought it was cute and the name stuck, five years later I am still Tooey.)
'Could you please go get your shoes from your room, so we can go?' Is a good way to show what good manners are. When children make requests, do not give it to them until they have used the right words.
'I want my blue top on!' should be 'Can I please wear my blue top?' And when you've sorted out their blue top, make sure they say 'Thank you!'. Of course, you say 'Thank you' too, when they've set the table, or given you something you asked for. Have a chat with your kids about what it means to ask and receive. What is involved in being asked to do something when you're kind of doing something else? How does a child feel when they are asked to do something when they don't feel like it? Make them imagine how often their parent/carer gets asked by them to do something when they are doing something else? Isn't it nicer if the request is at least kindly phrased? And isn't it nice to hear 'Thank you' when the request is responded to?
Interruptions. Enough to drive you crazy. If anyone is the epitome of interruptions I would say it's a toddler or preschooler. Sigh. You're still busy explaining one thing to them when they've already asked the next question. Interrupting is not acceptable, it leads to very high stress levels and does not a pleasant situation make. Just start saying 'please wait until I have finished my sentence' as soon as your child can talk. Patience is part of having manners. Show your child that sometimes their question is not your priority, but talking to the man that has come to fix the dishwasher is. As with any rules your set for your child, it is important that you talk about them at a time when you're all happy and comfortable and doing something together. Bring up a situation where they interrupted you while you were talking, or even doing something. Analyse the situation together, and use role reversal to make them understand what they are doing. Say: 'Imagine you are talking to your friend about something important, and I come over and insist you make me a sandwich, how would you feel?' You can do this with two-year olds, really, they are not too young for that! And of course, if you absolutely must get someone's attention a 'please excuse me' is the only way to go.
Apologies. Another big one. I have just spent a week at a friend's house who has a two-and-a-half year-old daughter. This little girl has amazing manners for her age. She often apologises for things that are not even really a problem! I am very impressed with her parents for that. She had been a bit cheeky with me one night while I was alone with her and we were eating dinner, tipping her water all over the table, then swiping her arm through it and in the process also sweeping all her rice onto the floor. I was not happy. I told her that it was really not a nice thing to do and I was the one who had to clean that up. I asked her if she enjoyed tidying up a mess she didn't make, to which she responded 'No'. Then, without my prompting, she said 'I'm sorry, Florence.' It makes getting onto the floor with a cloth and a brush and shovel just a touch less unpleasant.
Of course apologise yourself when you've done something, and make sure they apologise when they've hurt someone, even if it was by accident. It softens the blow for the person who has been wronged.
With most of my techniques and rules, the most important thing is to talk about them when it isn't a hot topic. Analyse situations, ask children to imagine what it's like to be the other party, and praise them when they have done something right. Bring it up later: 'Hey, remember this morning, when you tipped over your paint jar, and you apologised? And then you helped me clean it up? That was so sweet of you. It was a very grown-up thing to do, and I appreciate it!'
Or: 'Hey, remember this morning when you tipped over your paint jar, and didn't do anything about it and just expected me to clean it up? That wasn't very nice. Imagine if I tipped over a paint jar, and I asked you to clean it up for me while I continued painting, would you have liked that? No, I didn't think so. Could you please apologise next time something like that happens? And make sure you help me when I clean it up for you? I would really like that. Thanks!'
Children with manners are so pleasant to be around. It makes you feel respected as an adult, and a little bit more appreciated. I don't quite understand why some parents don't think it's necessary for children to have manners and be polite. It's not something that takes away the joy of childhood. Being a child is one of the most fun things in life, and they have the least responsibilities they will ever have in their life. They are waited on hand and foot most of the time. They will nearly always get the best of everything. They might as well say thanks for that, even if they don't appreciate how easy their life is until they are much older.
Thank you for your attention! ; )
I am a nanny who will insist on good manners. I do not accept 'what?' as a respond to a question my kids might not have understood entirely, I insist on 'sorry?', 'what did you say?' or 'what was that?' at the least. I am also very firm when it comes the term 'I want' - it is an incredibly demanding and pushy way to make a request. Adults hardly ever use that term when they ask for something, so why should children be allowed to be rude. 'I'd like' is not longer or harder to say, and it is just more pleasant to be asked with friendly words when in my position, and in that of most parents/carers, it is 95% of the time the start of a conversation started by our children, when we're most likely already in the process of attending to an earlier request of the very same little people. I am much more inclined to respond kindly to 'I'd like some milk, please' than to 'I want milk'.
Conversations, and life in general, are quite a lot more pleasant when interactions between people are courteous and civil. It expresses respect to people who might be doing something for you. No one has ever gotten offended by a genuinely expressed 'Thank You!' when they held open a door for you, or picked up an orange that rolled away from you in the veggie isle of the supermarket.
Learning manners does not require much effort, well, not on the part of the kids. It requires a lot of effort on the part of the adults trying to teach said manners, but we know it's worth it. So many little things are more pleasant when they circumstances involve just a touch of courtesy, especially from little people.
I enjoy eating with my kids, together, at the same time, at the same table, or as has often been the case, on the same picnic rug. And even when you're sitting on the floor, you can still use manners. Wait with eating until everyone is seated, no talking with your mouth full, sitting down when eating, and waiting with getting up until everyone is finished.
Here's how I teach my kids to adhere to these rules:
Kids should try to eat like a fairy: fairies are liked by most kids and can be good examples. Fairies never talk with their mouth full. Obviously, it's very unbecoming to etherial beings. Fairies eat neatly, and with manners.
So, no talking with your mouth full. (This can be tricky when you are a nanny who requests this of her kids when the parents don't do this, I am speaking from experience. This rule goes straight out the window the moment you no longer look after those kids regularly, but oh well, I still insist on it for my own dining experience!)
Also, sitting down when eating. This is hard for kids. But, just repeat the phrase 'Please sit down while we're eating, so the your food lands on the table/your plate should it fall' and/or 'I like your company when I'm eating'. Kids understand logic, and if you keep explaining to them that when food falls on the floor all throughout the house if they run around with their food, you have to tidy it up, which means less time for you to play with them, they will respond understandingly. Or, if you are like me, you ask them if they want to clean it up themselves after lunch instead of playing, they will also be likely to stay put.
A phrase I use very often during meal times is 'less talking, more eating', which speaks for itself. If they continue to chat and be silly during meal times, explain that the longer they take to finish their meals the less time there will be for other more fun activities.
And waiting until everyone is finished. This actually has a counterpart: wait with eating until everyone is seated. More accurately: don't start until I have finished making your whole meal and I get to eat myself! Though if the children are slow eaters, it might be more helpful to let them start without you. But don't let the ones who finish first just run off and leave the table when they're done, or at least not without asking. In the case of a slow eater at your table, entertain the others with games of "I spy" or just chat. Just make sure the slow eater doesn't get involved in said games or chats, though, because they will be distracted from eating! Don't threaten with 'if you don't hurry up, you will have to eat alone' but try to encourage with 'We'd love to start a new game of hide and seek when you finish, so please try and eat some more now.'
Giving and receiving is part of every day life. It's so easy to just use nice ways to do these things: A nice 'please', 'could you' or 'could I' when requesting makes it more likely to receive an affirmative answer! Be courteous yourself when asking kids to do things, lead by example as always. Teaching children to say 'Thank you' is massive, but in the end, so satisfying. It's so nice to hear: "Thanks for cooking my dinner, mum." "Thanks for cooking my dinner, Tooey." (Tooey is the name I have been given by the kids of one of the families I've worked for the longest, when the twins were learning how to talk. They couldn't say Florence, and 'Tooey' is what they came up with instead. I thought it was cute and the name stuck, five years later I am still Tooey.)
'Could you please go get your shoes from your room, so we can go?' Is a good way to show what good manners are. When children make requests, do not give it to them until they have used the right words.
'I want my blue top on!' should be 'Can I please wear my blue top?' And when you've sorted out their blue top, make sure they say 'Thank you!'. Of course, you say 'Thank you' too, when they've set the table, or given you something you asked for. Have a chat with your kids about what it means to ask and receive. What is involved in being asked to do something when you're kind of doing something else? How does a child feel when they are asked to do something when they don't feel like it? Make them imagine how often their parent/carer gets asked by them to do something when they are doing something else? Isn't it nicer if the request is at least kindly phrased? And isn't it nice to hear 'Thank you' when the request is responded to?
Interruptions. Enough to drive you crazy. If anyone is the epitome of interruptions I would say it's a toddler or preschooler. Sigh. You're still busy explaining one thing to them when they've already asked the next question. Interrupting is not acceptable, it leads to very high stress levels and does not a pleasant situation make. Just start saying 'please wait until I have finished my sentence' as soon as your child can talk. Patience is part of having manners. Show your child that sometimes their question is not your priority, but talking to the man that has come to fix the dishwasher is. As with any rules your set for your child, it is important that you talk about them at a time when you're all happy and comfortable and doing something together. Bring up a situation where they interrupted you while you were talking, or even doing something. Analyse the situation together, and use role reversal to make them understand what they are doing. Say: 'Imagine you are talking to your friend about something important, and I come over and insist you make me a sandwich, how would you feel?' You can do this with two-year olds, really, they are not too young for that! And of course, if you absolutely must get someone's attention a 'please excuse me' is the only way to go.
Apologies. Another big one. I have just spent a week at a friend's house who has a two-and-a-half year-old daughter. This little girl has amazing manners for her age. She often apologises for things that are not even really a problem! I am very impressed with her parents for that. She had been a bit cheeky with me one night while I was alone with her and we were eating dinner, tipping her water all over the table, then swiping her arm through it and in the process also sweeping all her rice onto the floor. I was not happy. I told her that it was really not a nice thing to do and I was the one who had to clean that up. I asked her if she enjoyed tidying up a mess she didn't make, to which she responded 'No'. Then, without my prompting, she said 'I'm sorry, Florence.' It makes getting onto the floor with a cloth and a brush and shovel just a touch less unpleasant.
Of course apologise yourself when you've done something, and make sure they apologise when they've hurt someone, even if it was by accident. It softens the blow for the person who has been wronged.
With most of my techniques and rules, the most important thing is to talk about them when it isn't a hot topic. Analyse situations, ask children to imagine what it's like to be the other party, and praise them when they have done something right. Bring it up later: 'Hey, remember this morning, when you tipped over your paint jar, and you apologised? And then you helped me clean it up? That was so sweet of you. It was a very grown-up thing to do, and I appreciate it!'
Or: 'Hey, remember this morning when you tipped over your paint jar, and didn't do anything about it and just expected me to clean it up? That wasn't very nice. Imagine if I tipped over a paint jar, and I asked you to clean it up for me while I continued painting, would you have liked that? No, I didn't think so. Could you please apologise next time something like that happens? And make sure you help me when I clean it up for you? I would really like that. Thanks!'
Children with manners are so pleasant to be around. It makes you feel respected as an adult, and a little bit more appreciated. I don't quite understand why some parents don't think it's necessary for children to have manners and be polite. It's not something that takes away the joy of childhood. Being a child is one of the most fun things in life, and they have the least responsibilities they will ever have in their life. They are waited on hand and foot most of the time. They will nearly always get the best of everything. They might as well say thanks for that, even if they don't appreciate how easy their life is until they are much older.
Thank you for your attention! ; )
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