Possibly Not

The biggest questions I get asked very often is when I am going to have children. It is not an odd question to be asked, I have been married for nearly five years, and most people are well aware I love kids, and they love me back. I do think it's a bit of a personal question to ask someone, but that doesn't seem to stop people from asking.

But the truth is, it's unlikely I will have children of my own. There are many reasons for that. One of them is that I know the ugly truth about having children. I have already experienced a lot of the horrible events all parents experience, including being awoken several times during the night (lucky for me no more than a week in a row), being peed/poo-ed/vomited on, being hurt accidentally (by little shoed feet, for example),  being hurt on purpose (by angry badly behaved children), being challenged beyond my nearly endless patience, being unable to use the shower/toilet by yourself all day, to name but a few. But most of all, the limits children put on your freedom and spur-of-the-moment decisions. 

And don't get me started on the pregnancy. For some reason mothers feel very comfortable sharing their stories with me about the things that happen to your body when a child has taken residence, or the aftermath. It is not something I would choose for myself at the moment.

And before you say (I know you mothers have already thought it) "It's different when they're your own", I know. I know, ok? If a child should come into our lives I will love it to the moon and back and I know we'd be fine. But I simply don't wish for any right now. I know too much of the truth. I do not have the 'baby dream' so many young women have. Children are no dream. They are friggin' real and they do NOT go away when you wake up. 

I have witness a loving couple turn into arguing parents. I have witnessed stressed, lonely, sleep-deprived mothers missing the support of their partners, I have experienced the isolation of being stuck alone at home with a child. My husband works a lot. And very long hours. I don't think he could stop doing that, his sense of responsibility to his work has always been greater than to me and his family. I am already prone to depression and bouts of feeling very alone. Just saying.

I do not see much of my husband, with his long working hours, his love for renovations and his enjoyment of golf, plus my long trips overseas, I really appreciate the little time we have together. I don't want to have to dedicate my time to anyone else right now. And to be really honest, I wouldn't want to share his attention with a small person. I want it all for myself, at least for now. 

The other major thing is that I  try to fly to Europe to visit my family and friends there at least once a year. I have since I moved here and I don't think I could stop doing it. I am still very strongly tied to the Netherlands, I am very close to my mum and my sister. I still have very, very dear friends there. Once a year is barely enough. If possible I stay for at least a month, but recently I've gone for several months. And I love it. I love it there. I feel connected in a way I cannot achieve here in Australia. No matter how many lovely people I have around me here, when I am in Europe with my family, I feel like I belong. I love the Dutch culture, I love the language, I love its traditions. I think that if I wasn't with my husband, I would be back there. 

Traveling with a child is different. I know it's not impossible, but it's not something I enjoy witnessing other people do. Let alone do it myself. 

I would want my children to know their Dutch heritage, speak the language, be close to their Dutch relatives, love and experience its traditions. Ride bikes. I don't think I could provide enough of that here by myself. 

And I doubt I will be able to afford to travel to Europe every year if we had children. 

There are lots of things I would have to do, and could no longer do.

The truth is, I do not know if I am strong enough to be a mother. I can handle 'my' kids at work very well, but they are always on their best behaviour. They do not try and push my buttons, because they know I could leave and never come back, and they know that is one thing their parents will never do. And lucky for me 'my' kids love me enough to want me to come back, and they love me enough to want to please me, to make me happy. So I nearly always have happy, well-behaved, lovely children around. 

I love the way things are right now. I have beautiful children in my life, who I can see any time I want. And I don't have to share my husband wit them. He's still all mine. They accept that I go away for several months a year, and I know if they were mine, it would not be acceptable. I enjoy coming home from work, going to the gym, staying and chatting with my gym buddies for a while, coming home late, my husband coming home, a late dinner, the energy to talk to each other, an episode of Dexter and a good night's sleep until I wake up naturally. I don't set an alarm clock, I wake up when I need to (even if it's early) because I get enough sleep...

Of course, I also know that children grow up and become adults. Adults who are still your children, but who will make you feel so proud, so loved, so happy that they are yours. Adults who will look after you when you might not be able to anymore. Even if you can, your children will be there for you. They will fly across the world once a year to help you and spend time with you should they live on the other side if it. 

I hope this makes sense to you. I worry about what people think of me, though I know I shouldn't. I don't want people to think that women who choose not to have children are selfish or workaholics. 

And like I've said before, I'm not saying 'never'. I'm saying 'possibly not'.