It's father's day here in Australia, so let me take this opportunity to celebrate every Dad I know, especially new ones: your job is so important. For me, father's day is never an easy day, and unfortunately, I end up having to be confronted with this day twice a year since it is in June in the Netherlands and I am nearly always there at that time because it's also my mother's birthday in June. If you are in the mood for a cheerful story, you might want to skip this post. But in my life, there is a distinction between a father and a dad. I have a father, but I never had a dad. My father has last year told my sister and I that he doesn't care for us anymore, he doesn't want to know us and that we are a disappointment to him, a dad would never do such a thing.
A Dad to me is a man you adored as a child, who lifted you up, who held you the strongest, who let you dance on his toes, who hopefully managed to teach you right from wrong, who tried to keep you on the straight and narrow when you were a teen, disapproved of your boyfriends and taught you about driving cars, how to build stuff, why you should save money and is the only man in your life that will love you forever and unconditionally. Not everybody has one of those.
A father is the man whose DNA you share. Everybody has one.
Here is a horrible truth: Sometimes when I catch my reflection in a mirror, I see my father's features and I feel disgust and pain. I don't want to hate my father, I don't think I actually hate him. But when I think of him there is nothing happy I can feel. I am thankful I was created. But there is so much hurt there, that sometimes I get very angry. I know he cannot help being who he is, and he has had a youth that lead to why he is how he is. But it is not right to blame your children for things that happened when they were small and had absolutely no power over.
Thankfully, I know many lovely dads, and very few fathers choose to hurt their children. I have enormous respect for men who take responsibility for their children, who do their utmost to raise them to be happy, confident people. I especially respect dads who have raised daughters to be women who are confident within themselves and have healthy relationships with men.
I have a wonderful father-in-law now, and a lovely husband. I call my father-in-law Superdad. He is the man I call if I have car trouble and my husband is unavailable. He is the man who supports us and we can trust with advice on important decisions. He is not the man I call to talk to about my feelings, though, as it seems the men in my husband's family are not able to do that. But I have my amazing friend Phiroze who is the only man in the world I can talk to about the same things I would talk to my girlfriends. He and I can stay up until 4 am talking, and I absolutely treasure that.
I can get very emotional when I see girls who have lovely days. Dads who look out for them, dads who take care of them, goofy dads who make terrible jokes but in their heart of hearts want nothing but the best for their little girls. Growing up as a teenager and young adult I kept wanting my boyfriends to be like a dad, protective, caring, strong. Silly things to expect from teenage boys or young men, I know now.
It takes life experience to be a dad, and a strong man to know what to teach your children. It's not easy being a man, I know that. It's not easy being a woman, either. Being an adult comes with so many responsibilities and so much is expected of you. I find it challenging. I try to teach the kids I look after the things in life that I feel are important, and one of those things is love the people who care for you, and express that love.
That's the one thing I can say about growing up without a dad, is that I wish the people who did grow up with one, and the dads I see and know, to tell their kids/dads that they love them and to talk about your feelings with each other. It's easy for women to tell people they love them, but for men, it seems to be hard. I often hear the mother I work for express in many ways that they love their kids, with words as well as actions. But I know many people who say that they wished their dads had said they loved them more often. And that they wish they had told their dads they love them too.
I am convinced that boys who are raised by fathers who teach them that it's good to express yourself with words, that it's ok to feel hurt and cry, and to always communicate with the people around them (personal as well as at work), that they become better boyfriends, husbands, bosses and fathers than boys who are raised to 'suck it up and be a man'. Life can be painful, there is no shame in showing that you experience pain. It is not manly to keep it inside. It is silly! Same with joy. If you're happy, let people know. And if you feel love, shout it out. It is always nice to hear!
So if you are a dad, or if you have one, tell them honestly, while looking each other in the eye, that you love him/them. I envy you, I wish I could do the same.
A Dad to me is a man you adored as a child, who lifted you up, who held you the strongest, who let you dance on his toes, who hopefully managed to teach you right from wrong, who tried to keep you on the straight and narrow when you were a teen, disapproved of your boyfriends and taught you about driving cars, how to build stuff, why you should save money and is the only man in your life that will love you forever and unconditionally. Not everybody has one of those.
A father is the man whose DNA you share. Everybody has one.
Here is a horrible truth: Sometimes when I catch my reflection in a mirror, I see my father's features and I feel disgust and pain. I don't want to hate my father, I don't think I actually hate him. But when I think of him there is nothing happy I can feel. I am thankful I was created. But there is so much hurt there, that sometimes I get very angry. I know he cannot help being who he is, and he has had a youth that lead to why he is how he is. But it is not right to blame your children for things that happened when they were small and had absolutely no power over.
Thankfully, I know many lovely dads, and very few fathers choose to hurt their children. I have enormous respect for men who take responsibility for their children, who do their utmost to raise them to be happy, confident people. I especially respect dads who have raised daughters to be women who are confident within themselves and have healthy relationships with men.
I have a wonderful father-in-law now, and a lovely husband. I call my father-in-law Superdad. He is the man I call if I have car trouble and my husband is unavailable. He is the man who supports us and we can trust with advice on important decisions. He is not the man I call to talk to about my feelings, though, as it seems the men in my husband's family are not able to do that. But I have my amazing friend Phiroze who is the only man in the world I can talk to about the same things I would talk to my girlfriends. He and I can stay up until 4 am talking, and I absolutely treasure that.
I can get very emotional when I see girls who have lovely days. Dads who look out for them, dads who take care of them, goofy dads who make terrible jokes but in their heart of hearts want nothing but the best for their little girls. Growing up as a teenager and young adult I kept wanting my boyfriends to be like a dad, protective, caring, strong. Silly things to expect from teenage boys or young men, I know now.
It takes life experience to be a dad, and a strong man to know what to teach your children. It's not easy being a man, I know that. It's not easy being a woman, either. Being an adult comes with so many responsibilities and so much is expected of you. I find it challenging. I try to teach the kids I look after the things in life that I feel are important, and one of those things is love the people who care for you, and express that love.
That's the one thing I can say about growing up without a dad, is that I wish the people who did grow up with one, and the dads I see and know, to tell their kids/dads that they love them and to talk about your feelings with each other. It's easy for women to tell people they love them, but for men, it seems to be hard. I often hear the mother I work for express in many ways that they love their kids, with words as well as actions. But I know many people who say that they wished their dads had said they loved them more often. And that they wish they had told their dads they love them too.
I am convinced that boys who are raised by fathers who teach them that it's good to express yourself with words, that it's ok to feel hurt and cry, and to always communicate with the people around them (personal as well as at work), that they become better boyfriends, husbands, bosses and fathers than boys who are raised to 'suck it up and be a man'. Life can be painful, there is no shame in showing that you experience pain. It is not manly to keep it inside. It is silly! Same with joy. If you're happy, let people know. And if you feel love, shout it out. It is always nice to hear!
So if you are a dad, or if you have one, tell them honestly, while looking each other in the eye, that you love him/them. I envy you, I wish I could do the same.
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