I have just read some disturbing and devastating news. After following closely any news on the disappearance of a young woman called Gillian Meagher from a city suburb not far from where I live, where I go and have friends, the newspaper told me her body was found after they arrested a man who is charged with her rape and murder.
I was thinking of her all last night, as I sat in a park with a friend watching her kids play in the rosy setting sun, as I enjoyed a warm spring evening with my husband on a little bench in the dark sharing a milkshake, admiring the halo around the moon. I was thinking of where she might be, hoping she was ok. She was not.
I was having such a lovely evening. Scrap that, I am having such a lovely life. Imagine someone just putting a stop to that because they felt an urge. I have walked home, in the middle of the night, by myself, so many times. Through the Fitzroy Gardens at age 19. Granted, I don't drink so I was always fully wary and on guard, but still, I am not sure I could have warded off anyone who was intent of harming me. Once again it is well and truly obvious it could happen to anyone. That could have been me. I could have been dead, right now. No warm spring evening enjoying life.
It infuriates me that there are people in this world, and it is a statistic that these people are mostly men, who think it is ok for them to treat another person as if they are theirs to use as they please. It is NEVER ok. That they can use their physical power to take what they want from another person, including their life. It makes me feel so sick and sad.
Those people, those rapists and murders, have come to the conclusion that they can use other people to release their urges, have somehow learned throughout their life that to rape and murder is an option. Those rapists and murderers were innocent children once, but somewhere in their growing up, they have been shown that they can do evil and get away with it. Who was guiding these people? Who was teaching these people? How are there still people in this world who have so little guidance in their youth that they become adults who can even consider harming another, taking another's person's life?
In the end it comes down to respect, doesn't it? Respecting other people's lives, their bodies, their freedom. You can only do this when you have been taught to respect, and received respect as a child, as a young adult. But because respect is such an abstract term, it can be hard to teach.
There are lines that are crossed unnoticeably. Children try push their boundaries constantly. How far can I go, before I get told off? I am afraid that this is what happens with people who do harm to others. I assume it starts small, maybe they will try to just touch a woman inappropriately and find that nothing happens after. Their life continues on just as normal. The woman doesn't press charges, possibly because the woman thinks she might not be believed or somehow might have given him the impression she was into it. Line crossed. So many lines crossed. What was the line? Is saying the word 'No' a line? What if she just thinks 'No'? What if his hand is over her mouth and she doesn't get to say 'No'?
Respect is about knowing those lines, I guess. And what happens to those who received no respect as a child - how are they going to grow up and be respecting adults? I daresay that the man who raped and killed Jill did not grow up a happy and respectful child.
So here's what I think. We need to teach all children to respect everyone. Other kids, their parents, their siblings, their pets, even their belongings. Have you ever seen a kid hit their parent/carer? I have, so very often. There is an age, around two to three, where there is a lot of frustration in a toddler's life and they will quickly resort to violence. One of the children I am looking after is going through that stage at the moment and I am very firm when it comes to hitting. No, it doesn't hurt me when they hit me. But it is simply not the way to deal with your frustration, so I try to explain firmly and calmly that when they hit, they will not get what they want, and are most likely going to achieve the opposite of what they want, for example to be sent to the naughty spot. There is a line. I am teaching a line. I am teaching a rule. I am teaching a worldwide law on a small scale: If you use violence, you will be confined.
The man who raped and killed Jill will go to prison. And then what? He might not be able to do it again for a long time. He might choose in the meantime to not do it again. But what about the people walking around free with in their heads the thoughts forming that they can act upon any urge they might have?
Murder and rape have been around as long as humans. Why? How have we as yet failed to get rid of these ugly parts of our society? It's a worrying thought. No, installing extra CCTV cameras is not going to solve the problem. The problem lies with kids not being taught to respect lines that should not be crossed. And that should be something we can change, right?
So for now, I'm going to keep teaching boundaries. It's my little way of trying to make sure that all the kids I have a part in raising become respectful adults. It's a small thing, but it's something.
My heartfelt condolences to Jill's family and friends. I am so sorry your Jill was not safe in our society to walk home on a Saturday morning when so many other women did the same thing and made it there safely. It is not fair and it is not right.
I was thinking of her all last night, as I sat in a park with a friend watching her kids play in the rosy setting sun, as I enjoyed a warm spring evening with my husband on a little bench in the dark sharing a milkshake, admiring the halo around the moon. I was thinking of where she might be, hoping she was ok. She was not.
I was having such a lovely evening. Scrap that, I am having such a lovely life. Imagine someone just putting a stop to that because they felt an urge. I have walked home, in the middle of the night, by myself, so many times. Through the Fitzroy Gardens at age 19. Granted, I don't drink so I was always fully wary and on guard, but still, I am not sure I could have warded off anyone who was intent of harming me. Once again it is well and truly obvious it could happen to anyone. That could have been me. I could have been dead, right now. No warm spring evening enjoying life.
It infuriates me that there are people in this world, and it is a statistic that these people are mostly men, who think it is ok for them to treat another person as if they are theirs to use as they please. It is NEVER ok. That they can use their physical power to take what they want from another person, including their life. It makes me feel so sick and sad.
Those people, those rapists and murders, have come to the conclusion that they can use other people to release their urges, have somehow learned throughout their life that to rape and murder is an option. Those rapists and murderers were innocent children once, but somewhere in their growing up, they have been shown that they can do evil and get away with it. Who was guiding these people? Who was teaching these people? How are there still people in this world who have so little guidance in their youth that they become adults who can even consider harming another, taking another's person's life?
In the end it comes down to respect, doesn't it? Respecting other people's lives, their bodies, their freedom. You can only do this when you have been taught to respect, and received respect as a child, as a young adult. But because respect is such an abstract term, it can be hard to teach.
There are lines that are crossed unnoticeably. Children try push their boundaries constantly. How far can I go, before I get told off? I am afraid that this is what happens with people who do harm to others. I assume it starts small, maybe they will try to just touch a woman inappropriately and find that nothing happens after. Their life continues on just as normal. The woman doesn't press charges, possibly because the woman thinks she might not be believed or somehow might have given him the impression she was into it. Line crossed. So many lines crossed. What was the line? Is saying the word 'No' a line? What if she just thinks 'No'? What if his hand is over her mouth and she doesn't get to say 'No'?
Respect is about knowing those lines, I guess. And what happens to those who received no respect as a child - how are they going to grow up and be respecting adults? I daresay that the man who raped and killed Jill did not grow up a happy and respectful child.
So here's what I think. We need to teach all children to respect everyone. Other kids, their parents, their siblings, their pets, even their belongings. Have you ever seen a kid hit their parent/carer? I have, so very often. There is an age, around two to three, where there is a lot of frustration in a toddler's life and they will quickly resort to violence. One of the children I am looking after is going through that stage at the moment and I am very firm when it comes to hitting. No, it doesn't hurt me when they hit me. But it is simply not the way to deal with your frustration, so I try to explain firmly and calmly that when they hit, they will not get what they want, and are most likely going to achieve the opposite of what they want, for example to be sent to the naughty spot. There is a line. I am teaching a line. I am teaching a rule. I am teaching a worldwide law on a small scale: If you use violence, you will be confined.
The man who raped and killed Jill will go to prison. And then what? He might not be able to do it again for a long time. He might choose in the meantime to not do it again. But what about the people walking around free with in their heads the thoughts forming that they can act upon any urge they might have?
Murder and rape have been around as long as humans. Why? How have we as yet failed to get rid of these ugly parts of our society? It's a worrying thought. No, installing extra CCTV cameras is not going to solve the problem. The problem lies with kids not being taught to respect lines that should not be crossed. And that should be something we can change, right?
So for now, I'm going to keep teaching boundaries. It's my little way of trying to make sure that all the kids I have a part in raising become respectful adults. It's a small thing, but it's something.
My heartfelt condolences to Jill's family and friends. I am so sorry your Jill was not safe in our society to walk home on a Saturday morning when so many other women did the same thing and made it there safely. It is not fair and it is not right.
Very sad, poor girl. And the accused professes to be a buddhist apparently!
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