(This is my second post, if you're new to my blog, start with my first post, by clicking the bottom link called The super nanny who knows where to go for coffee and how to be happy in the blog archive on the right)
Here's a topic I talk about a lot. Being, having, becoming, friends who are a mother. There is nothing more loving in this world than a mother, in my opinion. And there are not many people who deserve more support, encouragement, cheers and admiration than mothers, and not a lot of them get enough of that.
But I, for one, am on the mother cheer squad. My own mother is an endless source of love and support, and all mothers I know do more than I could possibly do in so many ways. First of all they have done the scariest thing I can imagine: they have been pregnant and given birth. Shudder. No, obviously I am not a mother myself.
Secondly, they have knowingly given up their lovely coupledom with their partner/husbands to dedicate their time to another person, or even several other persons. They have given up sleeping in, full nights' sleep, going out on a whim, unplanned all-nighters with friends, eating out regularly at nice restaurants, quiet holidays, oh the list goes on.
And being a mother is friggin' hard. I know, though not many other non-mother women know the extent of it. Let alone most men. It is much, much easier being a nanny than it is being a mother. Children respect me, listen to me, behave like perfect little angels when it's just them and me. But when mum gets home from a hard day's work, often the little angels turn into little demons at a time when a mothers just wants their kids to be lovely and cuddly. But they put on their most whiniest voice, cry hysterically over nothing, or go totally berserk for no reason at all. Well, there is a reason, but they can't express by just using their nice voices: "MUM! YOU LEFT ME FOR A WHOLE HOUR/FEW HOURS/DAY AND NOW I NEED YOUR FULL ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU STILL LOVE ME THE VERY MOST IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD AND YOU WILL NOT EVER GO AWAY FOREVER! LOVE ME! RIGHT NOW! I COMMAND YOU!"
Children know your buttons, and they will push them until you go 'Boom'. I have seen it happen over and over again.
If there's one thing I have learnt from this job is that mothers do not get a break. I do not get a nice one hour lunch break in the sun with my colleagues or a good book, because children need all-day attention. Obviously most mothers' lives are the same, unless your kid is still little enough to have days sleeps. For you I have five words: Enjoy it while it lasts! Of course you do have school-age to look forward to, as well. Don't worry. Every phase is exactly that, a finite amount of time that will pass.
But my most important piece of advice to you is this: Don't forget about yourself. Don't forget the woman you are. Don't forget the wife/partner your husband/partner fell in love with. Nourish that woman as much as you nourish your kids. Don't stop doing what used to make you happy before you had kids. So hire a nanny.
What I do enables mothers to be just a woman again. It can be very hard for them to realise that, and to act accordingly, but it is a fact. I sometimes have to remind mothers, especially first-time mothers, or long-time nanny-less mothers, not to go and run errands or go supermarket shopping but to go to a movie, or go to a cafe and read a book, or go catch up with a friend. Shopping and errands can also be done with children, yes, it is more challenging, but it can be done. But dedicating uninterrupted time to your own mind, or to your friends' minds is impossible with children around. Hear me, sweet, amazing mothers, you need time for your own lovely heads and hearts.
Only a happy, balanced woman can be a happy balanced mother, only a mother who cares about her own happiness can care completely for their kids happiness. A happy mother equals a happy home life. A mother who gets the time and space to take some time to relax, can have the energy to dedicate the rest of her life to her kids. I have seen too many mothers who by the time they hired me were nothing but a mother. 'Hover mums', or exhausted mums, or mums with no more patience. Hard to witness, I have to say. I see them in the supermarket, I see them wearing their kid-dirt/vomit stained clothes, their eyes ringed with exhaustion and their fuses so short they yell at their kids because they just cannot handle that irritating little voice asking the impossible once again.
What nannies do also allows women to go back to work. To be with other adults and do adult tasks and take on responsibilities that need their adult intellect and concentration. This is something that is also incredibly important if you want to be a balanced mother. You might have forgotten that life does not revolve around your children. The world is much bigger than that and you are a part of it, too. It will also help you relate to your breadwinning partner who spends most of their time out there. It will also help you explain that world to your littlies, and teach them they will be part of it too.
I have to say though, one thing I find incredibly hard to witness is mothers get manipulated by their kids. Mothers can be such strong women, roaring lions when they are protecting their cubs or standing up for their friends. But sometimes when their kids want something, they fold like wet napkins.
When I am there and the mother is there, I am no longer the go-to adult and mothers are always top dog in the pack, as it should be. Children know this. They will push for things I won't allow, and children won't ask me for those things when we are alone either.
I have seen mothers give their phones, keys, wallets to their toddlers. This is when the "NOOO! DON'T DO IT" siren that goes off in my head. In my world, there are children's toys and grown ups' things, and they are not one and the same. Yes, every now and then you may let your child have a game on your smart phone, under your supervision and with the explicit explanation that this a special event and that this is YOUR special favourite 'toy' and they should treat it with respect. It works, believe me. Even with kids who do not speak yet themselves, you can tell them this is a special occasion and they do not have the right to grab your phone/keys/wallet from your bag whenever they please. My phone has received text messages from mothers I work for written by babies/toddles saying something like this: "serlj ;j;bbmn;d gmwae;ga erhbafjawoev" or calls with little voices happily chatting away on the other end and the mother in the background totally unaware that their darling has just called me.
Mothers, don't let your enormous love be used against you. I know you have to pick your battles. But remember what's the worst that can happen in a battle with a child? Your kid will throw a tantrum. So what. Let them rant and rave and go nuts. It hurts them more than it hurts you and I promise you they won't die no matter how long they go on. Explain calmly and clearly that no means no, and give them an alternative to what they want and ignore their pleas. Do not negotiate, do not engage in bargaining. Stick to your guns. Take it or leave it, kid. It's hard at first, I know, but it's worth it if you stick to it. They will learn that throwing tantrums is hard, unpleasant work that does not get rewarded no matter how hard they labour. Reward them when they have calmed down with a cuddle and an appropriate toy/event they enjoy. Tell them 'I understand you want my phone, but it is not a toy.' They will learn, I swear.
But I admire mothers. I could not be one, not right now. I love how lovely they are, and I love how widely their love spreads. I have come to people's houses to look after kids, and found completely cooked meals for me, my favourite tea in the pantry with biscuits to match, boxes of chocolate, lunches prepared with the crusts cut off my sandwiches. Their care is just endless. It is amazing to revel in. I enjoy this love on a regular basis, I am so lucky to know so many mothers. My own mum can not spoil me enough when I am at her house, her hugs are still the warmest feeling in the world. Mothers are the best friend a kid will ever have. Mothers are the kindest people of all people, because the moment they started loving a little person, their love in general just grows a thousandfold. Mothers, you rule.
Here's a topic I talk about a lot. Being, having, becoming, friends who are a mother. There is nothing more loving in this world than a mother, in my opinion. And there are not many people who deserve more support, encouragement, cheers and admiration than mothers, and not a lot of them get enough of that.
But I, for one, am on the mother cheer squad. My own mother is an endless source of love and support, and all mothers I know do more than I could possibly do in so many ways. First of all they have done the scariest thing I can imagine: they have been pregnant and given birth. Shudder. No, obviously I am not a mother myself.
Secondly, they have knowingly given up their lovely coupledom with their partner/husbands to dedicate their time to another person, or even several other persons. They have given up sleeping in, full nights' sleep, going out on a whim, unplanned all-nighters with friends, eating out regularly at nice restaurants, quiet holidays, oh the list goes on.
And being a mother is friggin' hard. I know, though not many other non-mother women know the extent of it. Let alone most men. It is much, much easier being a nanny than it is being a mother. Children respect me, listen to me, behave like perfect little angels when it's just them and me. But when mum gets home from a hard day's work, often the little angels turn into little demons at a time when a mothers just wants their kids to be lovely and cuddly. But they put on their most whiniest voice, cry hysterically over nothing, or go totally berserk for no reason at all. Well, there is a reason, but they can't express by just using their nice voices: "MUM! YOU LEFT ME FOR A WHOLE HOUR/FEW HOURS/DAY AND NOW I NEED YOUR FULL ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU STILL LOVE ME THE VERY MOST IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD AND YOU WILL NOT EVER GO AWAY FOREVER! LOVE ME! RIGHT NOW! I COMMAND YOU!"
Children know your buttons, and they will push them until you go 'Boom'. I have seen it happen over and over again.
If there's one thing I have learnt from this job is that mothers do not get a break. I do not get a nice one hour lunch break in the sun with my colleagues or a good book, because children need all-day attention. Obviously most mothers' lives are the same, unless your kid is still little enough to have days sleeps. For you I have five words: Enjoy it while it lasts! Of course you do have school-age to look forward to, as well. Don't worry. Every phase is exactly that, a finite amount of time that will pass.
But my most important piece of advice to you is this: Don't forget about yourself. Don't forget the woman you are. Don't forget the wife/partner your husband/partner fell in love with. Nourish that woman as much as you nourish your kids. Don't stop doing what used to make you happy before you had kids. So hire a nanny.
What I do enables mothers to be just a woman again. It can be very hard for them to realise that, and to act accordingly, but it is a fact. I sometimes have to remind mothers, especially first-time mothers, or long-time nanny-less mothers, not to go and run errands or go supermarket shopping but to go to a movie, or go to a cafe and read a book, or go catch up with a friend. Shopping and errands can also be done with children, yes, it is more challenging, but it can be done. But dedicating uninterrupted time to your own mind, or to your friends' minds is impossible with children around. Hear me, sweet, amazing mothers, you need time for your own lovely heads and hearts.
Only a happy, balanced woman can be a happy balanced mother, only a mother who cares about her own happiness can care completely for their kids happiness. A happy mother equals a happy home life. A mother who gets the time and space to take some time to relax, can have the energy to dedicate the rest of her life to her kids. I have seen too many mothers who by the time they hired me were nothing but a mother. 'Hover mums', or exhausted mums, or mums with no more patience. Hard to witness, I have to say. I see them in the supermarket, I see them wearing their kid-dirt/vomit stained clothes, their eyes ringed with exhaustion and their fuses so short they yell at their kids because they just cannot handle that irritating little voice asking the impossible once again.
What nannies do also allows women to go back to work. To be with other adults and do adult tasks and take on responsibilities that need their adult intellect and concentration. This is something that is also incredibly important if you want to be a balanced mother. You might have forgotten that life does not revolve around your children. The world is much bigger than that and you are a part of it, too. It will also help you relate to your breadwinning partner who spends most of their time out there. It will also help you explain that world to your littlies, and teach them they will be part of it too.
I have to say though, one thing I find incredibly hard to witness is mothers get manipulated by their kids. Mothers can be such strong women, roaring lions when they are protecting their cubs or standing up for their friends. But sometimes when their kids want something, they fold like wet napkins.
When I am there and the mother is there, I am no longer the go-to adult and mothers are always top dog in the pack, as it should be. Children know this. They will push for things I won't allow, and children won't ask me for those things when we are alone either.
I have seen mothers give their phones, keys, wallets to their toddlers. This is when the "NOOO! DON'T DO IT" siren that goes off in my head. In my world, there are children's toys and grown ups' things, and they are not one and the same. Yes, every now and then you may let your child have a game on your smart phone, under your supervision and with the explicit explanation that this a special event and that this is YOUR special favourite 'toy' and they should treat it with respect. It works, believe me. Even with kids who do not speak yet themselves, you can tell them this is a special occasion and they do not have the right to grab your phone/keys/wallet from your bag whenever they please. My phone has received text messages from mothers I work for written by babies/toddles saying something like this: "serlj ;j;bbmn;d gmwae;ga erhbafjawoev" or calls with little voices happily chatting away on the other end and the mother in the background totally unaware that their darling has just called me.
Mothers, don't let your enormous love be used against you. I know you have to pick your battles. But remember what's the worst that can happen in a battle with a child? Your kid will throw a tantrum. So what. Let them rant and rave and go nuts. It hurts them more than it hurts you and I promise you they won't die no matter how long they go on. Explain calmly and clearly that no means no, and give them an alternative to what they want and ignore their pleas. Do not negotiate, do not engage in bargaining. Stick to your guns. Take it or leave it, kid. It's hard at first, I know, but it's worth it if you stick to it. They will learn that throwing tantrums is hard, unpleasant work that does not get rewarded no matter how hard they labour. Reward them when they have calmed down with a cuddle and an appropriate toy/event they enjoy. Tell them 'I understand you want my phone, but it is not a toy.' They will learn, I swear.
But I admire mothers. I could not be one, not right now. I love how lovely they are, and I love how widely their love spreads. I have come to people's houses to look after kids, and found completely cooked meals for me, my favourite tea in the pantry with biscuits to match, boxes of chocolate, lunches prepared with the crusts cut off my sandwiches. Their care is just endless. It is amazing to revel in. I enjoy this love on a regular basis, I am so lucky to know so many mothers. My own mum can not spoil me enough when I am at her house, her hugs are still the warmest feeling in the world. Mothers are the best friend a kid will ever have. Mothers are the kindest people of all people, because the moment they started loving a little person, their love in general just grows a thousandfold. Mothers, you rule.
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