The lesson

Here's what I have learnt about children:

You are theirs.

The only moment is now.

They want to have power.

Love is power.

Children see you as theirs. You are their chairs, their stepping stools, their Google, their maids, their cooks, their cleaners, their everything. It's an imposing role I had no idea about, but I quickly realised it very demanding. Children do not respect your personal space, your personal time, your personal feelings, but not because they're disrespectful, but because they have never had to as a baby, you as parent/carer chose to be their everything when you took them into your life.

The only moment is now. Children do not have that very wise teacher called Hindsight, for the obvious reason of not having been around as many years as you have. They do not plan ahead, because ahead is far away in the future and whatever is happening now is all that they can concentrate on. This is also the case when it comes to tantrums and wanting something. They can not place events in perspective, so every experience is huge. It is your job to teach them about learning from what has happened in the past, the consequences of those events, and how we can use those events to make the future more controllable.

Because that's all kids really want: power and control. The world is huge, as you might have noticed yourself, even for adults there is so much you cannot comprehend or change. Most of the world kids encounter, they cannot control, is thrust upon them, does not make sense or is too big to grasp (physically as well as mentally) and any way feeling in control is good for them. You get to choose so many things as an adult, and children do not. They want to, they need to, feel power and control. Give them that, in direct relation to their place in the world. Small person, small powers. But enough to feel in control.

Your love gives them power. So much power. Enough power for little people. Your trust gives them power. You trust them to do what you ask of them, and your praise is enough reward. Use your love liberally, frequently, exclusively. Ask your two-year old to help you unpack the dishwasher, let them handle what they can, and then say 'thank you for your help, you are a fantastic helper' and give them a big cuddle. Done. Behaviour rewarded. Then say when you you are out for a chino together 'You know what I love about you? You always help me do my jobs. I like unpacking the dishwasher with you.' That is enough incentive for them to do it again. Start young, it will pay hugely. 

Here are some firm points I stick to when interacting with little people.

I am not your stepping stool/chair 

Have you noticed how children constantly step on your feet? You are literally their step-up to whatever's interesting. So I say 'please don't stand on my feet, it hurts. I am happy to lift you up, or show you where there is a stool you can climb on.' 

Your feet are yours, as is all of your body, and you are not required to share it completely with children. Sure as a baby and tiny one your body is theirs mostly because they can't use their own yet, but the older they get, the more they can fend for themselves, encourage that. 

I will help them get a chair to sit on when eating. No eating on my lap,  I am not a chair, I tell them I don't want to get crumbs in their hair or spill my drink on them. You sit on your chair, I sit on mine, we eat our lunch, and after we can cuddle all we want. Take that time to enjoy your personal space, cuddles and children on laps feel much better when you choose to have them there.

I am not your mule 

Have you ever seen a parent/carer struggle carrying two little backpacks, a bike, a teddy, and their own bag as well? And the children skipping along, not a care in the world? 

Sure, childhood is all about freedom. But it is also about learning about taking responsibility and sharing the load. When I go for an outing with kids, and they insist on taking teddy to the playground, and riding their bikes there, I will ask them what they intend on doing with teddy when they want to climb and play at the playground and whether they want to ride their bikes back as well. Often they will decided to leave teddy at home. I tell them I am not there to carry their things, they are their things and they have to take responsibility for their things. I  always carry my bag. I look after my favourite toys really well (my wallet, my phone, etc) because they are important to me and I have to take them places. 

I don't ask them to carry my things, so they can't assume I will carry theirs just because they don't feel like doing it themselves anymore. Sure, if they have decided to take teddy to the playground, and carried him all the way there, I will hang on to them so they can play and climb. But I will pass teddy back once it's time to go back home. 

I am not a rubbish bin 

And how about that other classic children's gesture: they unwrap the treat they are given and hand you the wrapper and tuck into their treat without even looking at you.

My reaction is usually looking around in wonder and saying "Huh, did I just turn into a rubbish bin?" That will get their attention: they will want to see if you have turned into a rubbish bin indeed, and then I tell them that there's a bin in the kitchen/just by that park bench/over there and if they would mind putting their own rubbish in there, please. 

You are there to teach them how to dispose of rubbish, not to do it for them. Metaphorically as well! You are there to help them solve their problems, not to do it for them. They need to learn from their experience and you have enough to do already!

I am an adult, and they have adult jobs to do

 Here's another one: A parent/carer asking a kid "Can I please change your nappy?" or "We need to go to the supermarket now, is that ok?"

That always makes my jaw drop. Why would you ask a child permission for a task that is your responsibility? You do not need to ask permission of children for anything, really. It's one of the things that comes with the freedom of being a kid: you have to accept that adults will do the boring jobs in the world to enable your freedom. It's not such a bad deal, is it? 

And what will happen if you ask your kid if you can please go to the supermarket, and they say (a likely) "No! I want you to stay here and play with me!" What, you're going to not go to the supermarket? Of course you're going to go, regardless of what your child says, because it needs to be done if you all want to eat. And then it will only upset the child, first you ask if it's ok, they say 'no' and you're going to go anyway: how unfair is that? 

Explain firmly and calmly that jobs need to be done, it's up to you to do them, and because of that, they can enjoy the results. If they make a fuss, offer a role reversal. Say "here's the car keys, you go do the shopping by yourself, while I stay here and play with Florence." What do you think they'll say to that?

This technique also works very well with nap-time. When your toddler refuses to go and have a nap, say "Ok then, I would love a sleep, why don't I go lie in your bed with your teddies, and you can do the dishes and sweep the floor, do the washing and put out the recycling." 

Children just don't want to miss out on the fun they have with you, but if you make clear that being an adult has very boring tasks, and lots of them, they will soon realise they rather let you do it while they do something fun.

Here's your options

What do you expect the answer will be if you ask children: "What do you want to wear?" or "What would you like for dinner?" or "Where do you want to go today?"

The likely answers: My cinderella/buzz lightyear outfit, McDonals/ice-cream/biscuits, the moon/Disneyland/the movies.

The lesson: do not ask open ended questions when you want to control the answer.  They have fabulous imaginations and their answers are not always the thing you are willing to give them.  So give them options.  Children can't handle the amount of control adults have, a small amount of power is enough. You are not their personal slaves, so you choose the answers you are willing to respond to and ask the question according to what you want them to do. Don't disappoint them by asking a question, them giving you an honest answer, and then having to tell them they can't have what you asked them they wanted. 

Offer the option "Do you want to wear this shirt, or this one?" or "Would you like to eat chicken for dinner or beef?" or "Shall we go to the zoo or the playground today?" Sometimes they will come with another option, and then you can choose whether you're ok with that, and often these other options will be much more realistic than wearing their cinderella costume to the moon while eating a dinner of ice-cream.

It makes life so much easier for both of you. You are in control, they feel in control. Simple. Happy end.

I love you unconditionally

A kid does something naughty, or silly and the parent/carer yells: "What have you done? You are such a naughty boy/girl!" 

All a kid wants from you is your love. Whether you're their parent, grandparent, nanny, carer. It's a simple thing and it's so easy to give. Until they mess up. Then your words can become weapons of mass destruction. 

Honestly, often the experience of doing something stupid and realising they messed up is enough punishment for a child. What you need to do is communicate that what they did was wrong, and to make sure they learn from it and do not do it again. Use the words "What you did was a naughty thing to do" rather than calling them a naughty child, the action was naughty, but they are not inherently bad children. Use a firm voice, don't yell, and be very clear about what was wrong about what they did.

I was looking after some two-year olds, and I was making their dinner while they did some drawing with crayons. Suddenly it was too quiet and I didn't see them at their little table anymore. They had gone and drawn all over the while walls with their crayons. All I had to do was say in my firm voice "No girls, we do not draw on walls." One of them was so aware she had done something she wasn't supposed to that she lay face-down on the floor and hid her face with her hands. So of course, I explain to them that I still loved them endlessly, but that one simply does not draw on walls. "It's ok, we'll clean it up together. Mummy and Daddy painted those walls white because they like them that way, and I think they would prefer to keep them that way. Let's draw on paper from now on." (To see the results of similar artful expressions of kids, check this blog called S&*t my Kids Ruined, it's hilarious.)

Kids often don't know what they're doing is wrong until it's done already. They are ignorant because of inexperience, but they're not stupid. They don't know the consequence of their actions most of the time. And you yelling at them that they are naughty makes them feel so full of hurt they're unable to take in what happened. The person they love so much is yelling, is angry, and that's all they experience at that moment.

Stay calm, explain, if punishment is needed explain that that is the consequences of their actions, and when all is said and done, hug them and tell them you still love them. At a later stage, when you're both happy and relaxed together doing something, talk about what happened. Put it in perspective. They will store that information for future reference. 

So, that is my little guide of how to have a happy relationship with kids when it comes to challenges. Of course there are many instances where I get to enjoy the fruits of living by these points, I am offered more love than I could imagine and have so much fun. Happy children are the world's purest form of joy. It's just your job to have the kids be happy as much as you can.